GIBBERISH

2011-04-01T07:08:00.000-07:00

My Life As of the Moment

First of all, I am sorry for the long blogging hiatus (as if lots of people are dying to read my posts). I have just been so busy that I think I even forgot how to write non-academic shit. But seriously though, this time I'm not blogging about my emotional and psychological turmoils.

I don't really know how to start this post. So let me start by saying that I'm currently swimming on a melting pot of emotions right now. First of all, I am happy that I passed the Ateneo Law School Admission Test. So basically, my future is secure right now. I don't have to work which is what I am trying to avoid. And, I don't feel that dumb anymore. Although I still feel dumb. Second, I feel bad that my friends didn't pass. I really find it weird that there were only a few of us in our college who passed. Actually, I think there are only two of us and another one is for interview. So yeah.. I want a friend with me. Lastly, I am scared!

So basically, my life is planned out already. As of now, my parents are ecstatic about my graduation. You don't want me to start on that. I swear their excitement is intense that it's starting to scare me. I don't think graduating with a cum laude is a big deal because almost everyone in our college(Business Ad) have honors.

I think I just lost my drive for writing this post. So let me end this post by saying how scared I am of growing up. I feel like it's too soon to grow up. I mean I really want to be a lawyer since childhood but why do I feel like I'm not mature enough? I guess I'm just scared. I think Ateneo is another chapter in my life. New people, culture, environment, etc. I never get tired of school, don't I? But honestly, I think I don't want to fuck this up. Not this one.. Besides, UP rejecting me might give me that diligent student mojo to get back at them. Yes I am still bitter. I know it sounds stupid and impossible but I would love to show them how they made a wrong choice. Well, I think I actually made the right choice. Ateneo is actually leading in terms of bar topnotchers and passing rate. Again, BITTER.

Okay so this is getting boring. I'm out. Good luck to me. I am starting to be normal. Oh and I'm turning 20 in less than two weeks. It scares me. I need to acquire more prudence, sophistication, name it.. all that crap grown-up people must have. They say people grow up.. I say I can try. :)

2011-02-18T01:02:00.001-08:00

I just read this blog and I realized I have lots of grammatical errors. Sorry I don't proofread when I blog.

2011-02-09T14:52:00.003-08:00

Music Post

I can only express myself through music so here's my song right now.

"No One Sleeps When I'm Awake"

by: The Sounds

I’ve seen people losing all of their faith
Before they knew what they were looking for
I swore I’d never ever do it again, ’til this day
Words are all I have, to give, to you
You never seem to see it my way
Standing in the shadows I hear, people say
I got confessions to make, listen up!
No one sleeps when I’m awake

The dreams I dream the song I sing for you
They’re coming from my heart
Is my message getting through?
You know it hurt so bad just like I knew that it would
But I’d do it again, do it again if I could
Do it again if I could

I don’t think you know what it’s like
You should be careful what you’re wishing for
And try to set your ego aside, you will find
A false peace of mind
You fall, behind and everybody’s getting tired of you
Standing in the shadows I hear, people say
I got confessions to make, listen up!
No one sleeps when I’m awake

The dreams I dream the song I sing for you
They’re coming from my heart
Is my message getting through?
You know it hurt so bad just like I knew that it would
But I’d do it again, do it again if I could
Do it again if I could

Hey! hey! hey! I want you to know, know, know, know
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

‘Cause the dreams that I dream and the songs that I sing
When I lost myself it had a different meaning
Shut down and closed imagine all of those
Hundreds of dreams taking place around you

It hurt so bad just like I knew that it would
But I’d do it again, do it again if I could
But I’d do it again, do it again if I could
I’d do it again, I’d do it again, I’d do it again
I’d do it again if I could

2011-02-09T06:24:00.000-08:00

Dear blogger,

I haven't posted for a while. I don't know why but I only resort to this blog when I have such strong emotions that I could not contain.

So this day, LAE results were out and I wasn't on the list. You can just imagine how a failed accountant student would react to that. I haven't told my parents yet.. but damn it's such a bruise to my ego! I don't know if I have any amount of self-esteem anymore.

Best one word to describe me: FRUSTRATED. And I always say this, I'm always frustrated in almost everything I do. Why? I don't know. I guess I don't give enough effort in everything. I have a problem with giving my best. It's like I'm programmed to self-destruct. I unconsciously like to see myself fail.

But this time, this time.. this is such a big one. I was so settled in this plan to pursue law school after graduating. It was all planned. I think I finally see what's the point of Allah (God) in doing all these things to me. He wants me to plan my life on my own. Everything I do is just based on someone else's plan for me, specifically my parents. I don't really know what I want. Because if you ask me what I want, I'd say I prefer to be a hipster wandering around the and contemplating on all kinds of arts for a living. And that's not realistic. My whole mentality is unrealistic. I suck with reality, I'll never get it.

But hey.. you know what? I don't care. Nah.. I have no choice but to care. My parents don't know about this bad news yet. Today is my younger sister's beauty pageant event and I don't want to ruin it for them. So I'm still sunk in this scenario.. I've got no one to talk to, no one to cry on if I want to. I haven't even cried. I have a problem with crying. I easily cry on movies but when it comes to things I should really cry on, I just can't. But anyway, HOW THE HELL WOULD I SAY THIS TO MY PARENTS? My dad once told me "if you don't pass the exam, I don't know what else to do. I gave you everything you want." I think I've already mentioned here how my parents give me all the material things I want in life expecting me to achieve their expectations.

Damn.. I'm in such a bad position right now. What happened? I've to be honest about this, I was actually expecting to pass. I would say I didn't answer the exam on my best but you know, sometimes you have this feeling that you're smart enough. But damn. damn.. I guess I'm not smart enough. Maybe because I didn't finish a lot of the exam. I just shotgun-answered them. Besides, I crammed the reviewing process in one night. How overconfident of me.. I didn't even have a good night sleep before the day. I stayed up to cram. Cramming is the core of my academic existence. I am never gonna be better. I am never gonna be enough. Just like with my parents.. and almost everyone. I'm never gonna be enough.. even for myself. Self-deprication is eating me right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know what will make me feel alright right now. Trust me, I don't need anyone's sympathy. I could use a fruitful conversation though.. It's actually what I'm trying to achieve right now. I'm trying to have a one-way conversation with this laptop. Oh god I'm pathetic. This is such a sad and bitter post. This blog is all about my rants in life. If you want the fun and artsy side of me, visit my tumblr.

Lastly, FUCK MY LIFE. FUCK LAW SCHOOL. I'll get over this.. There's still ALS.

P.S. currently playing on my mind: "You're so dumb, you're so really really dumb.. for real." - Antoine Dodson Remix

2011-01-17T14:31:00.000-08:00

Hello again blogger!

I can't really update much about my life right now. There's been a lot going on. I'm trying to be as busy as possible. It keeps me sane. If I have time to think, I tend to be psychologically unsound. But anyway, I've been doing a lot lately and I think it's starting to be unhealthy. I don't have time to blog. You can visit my tumblr instead, I post a lot there.. Everytime I work in my laptop, I visit tumblr on my work/study breaks.

Anyway, I just wanna say time flies so fast these days. I think I'm starting to lose substance. I'm growing up. In a few months, I'll join the twenties club. I just miss it when life was easy like in HS. Well I won't say it's easy but.. back then, I had time for all my stupid endeavors. I watch a lot of movies. I spend time discovering music, playing music, writing music. I planned crazy things with my crazy friends which I don't have much right now. (It's hard to find crazy people in college. Most are success-greedy people who'd rather take the safer road. I dunno.. I can't find much people with the same interests and principles as mine). But yeah.. life was so easy that time. I don't worry about responsibilities and all that crap that's starting to bald my hair now. All I had to worry about was my acads, which is actually a piece of shit if you compare it to my acad struggles right now. I should stop here. At this point, you can say how much I hate my college life. Not really.. College is also fun in a way. I am very independent now. I've grown my network. I've learned a lot, experienced a lot, etc. But like I said, there's down sides to everything. Bye blogger! I'm sleepy. It's 6:30 AM and I haven't slept the whole night.

2011-01-01T20:13:00.002-08:00

Observation on Girls and Boys

I was thinking about this a while ago.. I just think it's funny so I'll share it here:

- When you see a couple where the girl is ugly and the guy's handsome, you wanna kill that girl(a female's view I guess) or you think the guy is just playing with her. But when the guy is the one ugly, you think he's such a lucky guy. Why? Because we know that appearance is such a big deal for guys but girls.. they have the capacity to love blindly.

- When a girl makes out with a girl, most people will find it hot mostly guys. It is normally accepted and viewed as hot. But when guys do it, most will find it repulsive especially guys. Is it because women are just generally viewed as sex items or something?

- When girls try to dress like boys, it can be hot too. Boyfriend clothing has been a trend. Girls can always dress up like guys, wear pants and boots and stuff. But when guys dress up like girls, most people won't approve it. They have this thinking that being a girl degrades a guy.

I'm not a feminist or a sexist or whatever. I'm just sayin.. :)

2011-01-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

“Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”

- Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

This guy just put perfectly put in to words what I've always wanted to say. This will be my mentality for 2011. Fuck security, conformity, and conservation.. Let's go for the adventure!

2011-01-01T06:11:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on Life

I've been a bit out of sanity for the past few days.. It's just this huge fight I had with my parents. I won't go through it in details but it just basically ripped my heart out. It's that moment when I realized that all this time, they never really appreciated anything I've worked hard for. No matter what I did or do, I will always be this money-sucking daughter and everything I do is just for my own happiness.

But anyway, I don't care about that anymore. I'm trynna be back to normal, although I feel very empty towards them. They want me to apologize and I won't apologize for something I believe isn't wrong. Besides, they've hurt me more and they can't even realize how much. I think they don't even care. I can't really put it into words but the bottom line is.. they lost me. I'm not opening up to them anymore. Right now, they're just my parents and I'll just do what they want me to do. I'll be their fucking robot. I don't give a fuck anymore on what they think about me. And I'll live up to what they think about me, if that's what they think then so be it. So be fucking it. I'm so tired of being sorry. I'm so tired of explaining myself when they never even hear me. They will never understand.

These kinds of things makes me think about life and stuff. I've been contemplating lately on what's good and evil. I guess the book I'm reading called "The Devil and Miss Prynn" has something to do with it but anyway.. I'm thinking on another point, do we really have to work so hard in life? I mean is that the purpose of life? We're all gonna die anyway. And what kills me is that people don't think about death. They just get too carried away by their hunger for success. It's like the purpose of life is success. And I know the idea of success is subjective but I think we can all agree that success requires hard work. That's what I question. We work our asses off to achieve the purpose of life or something. Well of course religious people will disagree and say that the purpose of life is submission to God. But hey, if that's your purpose in life then why are you still working your assess off to be successful in life. Well, they will say it is also for God. But really? Now I sound like an atheist. I'm just questioning everything in life. My dilemma here is that do we really have to torture ourselves and consider it a sacrifice for success? Or can we just do what we love to do, forget about anything that stops us from doing it, and just have fun without hurting anyone? I know what you're thinking. The latter option will probably bring me down. I'll end up miserable in life. I'll end up in hell. But the bigger question is "would you rather live like you're in paradise and end up in hell after life, or live in hell and end up in paradise after dying?" I think that's the essence of everything we do in life. But.. are we really sure about life after death? I have to admit this, I guess my faith is not that strong. Sometimes I think the idea of heaven and hell is just there to scare us or prevent us from doing evil. I am not entirely convinced. I believe in heaven and hell but my belief is based on my fear of going to hell. I don't know.. See I'm this person who needs proofs for believing. But no one will ever come back to life from death and tell us what he/she saw after dying. There is no proof. We just have to have faith. Blind faith. Every religion I guess is based on blind faith. For instance, people ask why we don't eat pork. And actually the reason is not in the Qur'an. It just says we should not. And we follow. Of course there are some studies and stories that can answer the question but if we base it solely on our holy book, there's no reason.

Seriously, I should stop this. I am losing myself. I am deeply troubled and I don't know. My mind is really fucked up. Whatever. I don't even know why I'm doing all the things I do. I don't even know what I want anymore. I've lost my purpose in life. I just hold on to anything that keeps me going. I'm basically fucked up. Not literally. I'm just.. I think I'm really going to hell.. if there really is hell. But don't get me wrong, I still believe in Allah. There has to be a creator. It's just that sometimes I question a lot of things.. especially when I'm losing myself.

2010-12-29T19:07:00.000-08:00

“Dead Star”

I was visible yet I was distant

Struggled so hard to feel triumphant

A black sea of darkness in disguise

I was blinded by bright galaxy skies

I strived for the light I thought I need

To be adored and the best indeed

I followed it to a downward spiral

A path that sucked everything vital

A massive explosion, I thought was my end

Emptiness burst in the loudest silence

Spectators they see, and believe what felt right

My existence was merely the speed of light

I made this poem last night. I just felt like it. I kinda used the idea of the metamorphosis of stars. Sometimes you see stars in the sky, but they're actually dead.. You just see their light traveling to Earth but they're already dead stars.

2010-12-09T07:14:00.000-08:00

I saw this while browsing on my word files. It's a short paper I wrote for one of my subjects last semester. I actually crammed it for around 30 minutes so I thought all of my words were senseless because it was just a product of beating the deadline. Now, I tried to read it again and I thought I actually made sense. So here, I'll share it in this blog.. It's like a reaction paper to this video that went viral in UP for the last few months:

And here was my reaction:

Honor Over Excellence

Ma’am Monsod’s video of her last lecture for the semester has been viral for the past days mostly within UP students. I have also been her student and I remembered her deliver not exactly the same lecture to us but the same gist of it. I was inspired by her words; in fact, I am always inspired with those kinds of speeches. However, I did not entirely agree with her point.

First of all, I agree with the main point of her speech which is to value honor first before excellence. UP is composed of very competent students and when you care so much about excellence, sometimes you disregard the importance of honor. And I think she is right with pointing out that this has been the problem of the leaders of our nation right now who are mostly graduates of UP.

My only problem with her speech was the statement that says if you leave the country, you betray it. As part of an OFW family, I know the reasons behind people leaving the country. If you want to help the country, you should help yourself first. How can you help the country if you can not feed yourself and your family? Filipinos leaving the country for work is just a problem that rooted from a bigger problem. I think Ma’am Monsod’s statement is true in given parameters. You should not leave your country if you know that you can help it. For instance, she mentioned the fresh graduates of UP Medicine who all left the country. Does she know the economic profile of those students? If their parents were owners of big companies, then yes, they should be ashamed of leaving the country for better work opportunities. On the other hand, if their parents had no jobs and relying on them to change their status in life, would you blame them for leaving the country? It’s definitely not the graduates’ fault that there are no good job opportunities for them here. Doctors are underpaid in our country. Since Ma’am Monsod is an Economics teacher, she should also know that OFW’s contribute a lot to the economics of our country. OFWs' remittance is the biggest if not the only thing that keeps our GNP high. Thus, OFWs are also helping the country even when they are not in the country. Helping their family have a better life is already a way of helping the country. You don’t necessarily have to be in the country in order to help it.

I don’t share my insights on this lecture a lot with my friends because they may think I am against patriotism. I guess my point is we just have to be good examples. We just live our life with honor no matter what temptation we face and we should excel only up to the best that we can be. We don’t need to be heroes and sacrifice our priorities for the country unless we really want to. However, like what Ma’am Monsod said, “don’t be a part of the problem”. Just go against the grain and try not to be part of the problem. Leaving the country, for me, is not being part of the problem unless you know you can help the country if you stay without sacrificing your personal needs. As for me, I will stay in the country after graduating because I know I can help and I know that I don’t have the need to leave the country in order to survive. However, I do not recommend this to people who don’t have any hope in staying in the country. They’d be better off and I think even the country may be better off if they leave the country and improve the lives of their family.

The main thing I learned from the lecture is DON’T CHEAT. No matter what happens, don’t cheat because it will lead to cheating in bigger things. I am a firm believer of the importance of honor. I believe that without honor, we are nothing but animals. This is why I titled this paper as “Honor Over Excellence” because it’s what I really liked most about the speech. If all the Filipinos had honor, we wouldn’t be where we are right now. Corruption will cease to exist. I believe corruption is the main problem of this country. It’s not just corruption in the government but corruption of our mind, principles, beliefs, etc. And this problem is not easy to solve. It will take time and great inspiring leaders such as Ma’am Monsod. She doesn’t need to be right in everything she says, as long as she inspires us to do better for the country.

2010-12-06T13:35:00.000-08:00

Untitled

It's 5:30 in the morning and I'm awake. I just finished praying for Fajr. I woke up from a very beautiful dream.. and I need to blog about it before I forget the details.

First of all, I think I have a gift on dreaming. I got it from my mom. My mom always had dreams with meanings. She dreams of departed people who had messages that apply to real life. One time, an uncle of mine communicated through her dream about a debt he needed to pay to a person and when my mom looked for that person, it turned out to be true. So we paid his debt to that person and hopefully he is now resting in peace.

So I had this dream about 2 hours ago. I saw a very dear friend of mine who passed away almost 8 years ago. His death was so painful to me. I was just a kid and he was a very close friend. So in my dream, I saw him in this place which is like a very beautiful desert. The sand looked so fine and it the temperature was cold for a desert. It just felt so right and serene in that place. At first, he talked to me and he had that smile. I was so shocked and glad to see him. I shook his hand and I asked him how's it going. He said it's been really good or something like that. And I said something like "you know right?" and what I was pertaining to was his passing on. And he smiled and said something like of course I know. See I think it's weird that I am very aware during that dream. I've had other dreams of him before but usually, I was not aware that he's gone already in this world. I just remember it when I wake up. But in this dream, everything was just so real. I am even aware that it was just a dream.

So as soon as he said "of course I know that" and he was smiling, I don't know why but I hurriedly hugged him so tight that he fell to the ground. I was crying.. I really don't know why. It just felt so right and I really missed him. I just really felt that it was him, my long lost friend. He was very serious in my dream, as if he've learned a lot of things already. It felt weird because he's such a funny guy and usually he still has that attitude in my past dreams. But now he just seemed so real. His face was still the same, still young and had that very optimistic smile.

Anyway, while I was hugging him and crying, I said something like "Buti ka pa! Nasa heaven ka na.." and I was really happy for him that time. And I really had this sure feeling and notion that he is in heaven. And so I continued talking. I said something like "Sana ako rin.." I said something like I wish I'll go to heaven too but I think I don't deserve it, I'm such a sinner.. I was crying. And he was like no, you can still go to heaven. And I asked him how, like what should I do. And he said one thing - PRAY. After that, he said two phrases/sentences. I only remember the first one. He said "Allahu'akbar musalli al-fajr" and then the next was something that had Muhammad(SAW) in it. I forgot the exact words in the next phrase. I was too internalized with the dream when I woke up that I forgot to recall the exact words as soon as I woke up. The dream ended there. I woke up and spent almost 30 minutes thinking of it.

And here's the strange thing. I totally don't have an idea of what the first phrase I recall means. I know what allahu akbar and fajr means but I didn't know what musalli means. So I searched for it, and I found out that it means the prayer or the one who prays. It really gave me chills when I found out. I mean it can't be coincidence. I really don't have an idea of that word, how can I make it up if it's a random dream? And it occurred to me, the dream was really true. A very close friend of mine who departed this world talked to me in a dream and asked me to pray. It was very real. I think he was concerned that I might be losing my way. And I think it's true. I always had very spiritual dreams regarding my faith everytime I'm starting to lose my way. It's like Allah is reminding me because He knows that I really am a believer. I just lose my way sometimes and for the past days, I've always wanted to pray but I never got to it. My satan was very strong lately. Also, last night I had two shots of liquor at a restaurant. And I've been having lots of thoughts and philosophies on hedonism lately. I think this is just what I needed. I just needed to be reminded of who I am. And this time, a friend helped me. I am so lucky to have a friend like him. He will forever be in my heart and I know that one day we will meet again.. hopefully, in heaven.

2010-12-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

Movie Thoughts

I just finished watching this. I know it's a bit old. Keira Knightley is on my list of girl crushes(which is a very long list), that's why I felt the need to watch the movie that got her an Oscar nomination.

I didn't expect the theme of the story to be very relevant to me. The complications of marriage as shown in the movie is very similar to my culture. In Maranaos, marriage is such a big deal with families. Everything has to be examined including the family background, financial condition, etc. Indifference usually hinders engagements but not all the time. Also, a scandal of your relative is already a scandal of the whole family. Like what was portrayed in the movie, a scandal involving your sister can be a reason of other families not wanting to marry you. And the most common scandal would be a girl running away or sleeping with a guy unmarried. This is like a very big stain on the family's reputation. The pride of the family is almost sacred for Maranaos. Also, the nosiness of the mother in the movie seemed like a Maranao-ish character to me. And the desperation of the girls to be married also reminded me of Maranaos. No offense though. It's just an observation. When I go to province, I feel like most of the young girls are trying really hard to be pretty so they get noticed by a potential husband, most preferably an engineer that will take them abroad. Yeah, as far as I'm concerned, it seems to be their common ambition- marry an engineer and go to Saudi.

However, I think my family is so much different from usual Maranao families. Although we still have that culture, my parents are not that eager to get us married. My parents value education more and they are also not in favor of arranged marriage. I can see that. I guess maybe because they were also arranged. Although, hey admit that they would definitely get in the way if they don't like someone for us. However, they will never force us in to something. So I was thinking, have I ever thought about marriage? I'm growing old, at some point it will occur. To be honest, I'm not really in to the thought of marriage. I think I've said that already in this blog. Sometimes I think I'll just marry for the sake of having a child and after that I'll get a divorce. But then again, my child would have no dad. Anyway, another factor I really loved about the movie above is that it showed how true love can really wait. It doesn't matter how long it takes. In the story, it took so long before Elizabeth and her sister Jane got engaged. It has to be a very sure thing you know. I think that's why marriages these days are unsuccessful, they rush in to things. They just fall aggressively in love but they're not really sure about each other. And I also love how love was portrayed in the movie. It didn't involve anything physical, just conversations in fact very formal conversations with each other. Nowadays, love is visualized at least by a kiss. In the movie, they never kissed but you really felt the love in it. I'm just saying people can also fall in love without any touching at all. The bottom line of this post is that nowadays, people don't quite get the point of love as much as during the old days. I wish I could live in the victorian era so I could equate love with poetry and stuffs like that. My generation is just too horny. :|

2010-11-05T01:18:00.001-07:00

Short Life Span

Last night, I had a realization that I won't last long in this world. I realized how unhealthy I am. I remembered the questions repeatedly asked to me in the hospital:

Do you have allergies?

I am allergic to shrimps and very oily seafoods but sometimes I can eat some of it.

Do you have vices?

I told them none but.. yeah.

Do you have family history of diabetes? high blood? cancer?

Yes, yes, and fortunately no. (respectively)

Asthmatic? When is your last attack?

Yes. 2 mos. ago. It's in the family.

Have you ever had any operation in the past?

I had my tonsils removed in an operation when I was five years old.

Any other abnormalities/disease you always had?

Arthritis. I get it everytime I get my feet wet or cold when it's very hot or perspiring. It's excruciating.

Given all this, and I don't even wanna mention my psychological health, I think I am not gonna live a long life. I'm already lucky if I reach 50. But I'm cool with it. When I was younger, I had this philosophy that dying young is better because you don't get to sin much, thus bigger chances of going to heaven. But now I'm old and I've already sinned in some ways. Anyway, who wants to live at a very old age with wrinkles, soggy boobs and needing people to take care of you.

2010-11-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

Song Feature: Hang With Me - Robyn

I've always had a place in my heart for this song. It was used in the latest GG episode so I think it's a good time to feature it in my blog. See I have a couple of songs I just love playing in my car but when someone's in the car with me, I change the song because I'm afraid they won't like it. And this is one of those songs. I love Robyn. She does techno and rap but her music is more like pop without trying to be too pop you know what I'm saying. Pop songs are just songs meant to be fun and easily enjoyed. That's what her music is to me.. except some of her songs tell good stories. So hey, it's not just a pop song after all. For instance, the real reason I love this song is because of the lyrics:

Will you tell me once again
How we're gonna be just friends?
If you're for real and not pretend
Then I guess you can hang with me

When my patience's wearing thin
When I'm ready to give in
Will you pick me up again?
Then I guess you can hang with me

And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
There will be time for that too
If you hang with me
Hang with me

Just don't fall
Recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause it's gonna be
All heartbreak
Blissfully painful and insanity
If we agree, oh you can hang with me..

You get the idea. It just supports my let's-just-enjoy-being-friends-because-love-will-only-tear-us-apart philosophy. Haha.. Anyway, this song has two versions.. The acoustic one from Body Talk Pt. 1 and the pop version from Pt. 2. I play the pop version more often on the road because it's fun but the acoustic version is just as good especially live. Swedish musicians are awesome! Stockholm is on my list of places to visit just because of the good music coming from it. The Sounds(Maja Ivarsson is whoa), Royksopp, Shout Out Louds, LYKKE LI, the CARDIGANS to name a few.. Ireland has a good music scene too.. and Denmark. Let's just say Europe a a whole! I just dream of being in music festivals of every famous European city.

P.S. I didn't really like the use of this song in GG.. maybe because I didn't like the scene. The storyline of having an affair with your professor is getting old already. Seriously, they used that already with Dan.. However, I did like the use of "Dancing on My Own" at the ending scene. Or maybe I just liked that scene. I mean the song doesn't fit that scene, it's a sad song. If you listen deeper to it here, you'll realize how sad and bitter the song is. Robyn usually makes acoustic versions of her pop songs and suddenly it's a very emotional song.. like this heartbreaking performance of hers. I'm such a sucker for sad songs. Anyway, I'm just sayin a more intense song would've been better for the Chuck and Blair scene.. It was the shiznit!

2010-11-01T21:29:00.000-07:00

Dear blogger,

So I tried to be happy yesterday by shopping and eating. I have to say I'm feeling a bit more optimistic today.. I had a dream last night. In my dream, I met a guy in law school. HAHA.. It's funny because he looks like that guy in Hellcats, the fellow law student of Marti. HAHA.. It was kind of a long dream. The guy was English-speaking but he was also a Maranao like me. And in my dream, the law school didn't look like UP. It's such a funny dream when I think of it. Maybe think of law school a lot lately.

So this day, I'm going to study for LAE. I borrowed a few books from a friend so I guess I can now start reviewing before it's too late. I hope I feel better for the next days. And I'll go shopping a little more. Trust me, it heals depression. Food doesn't. I end up loathing myself for eating too much yesterday..

2010-10-31T04:50:00.000-07:00

Another Self-Therapy Post

I said I won't talk about my issues but I think it might help if I talk about it. Like I said, I need a shrink. I tried to talk to my mom about my depression but she thinks I just need money. In fact, here's our actual conversation on the phone:

ME: Ma, nadedepress na ako sa buhay ko..

MA: Magkano kailangan mo? Ipadala ng dadi mo ngayon.

ME: Hindi ko kailangan ng pera.

MA: Magkano nga?

Obviously, it didn't work. People think I'm lucky but I don't think I am. Deep inside, I am lost. Sometimes, I tell myself what's there to be sad about? I have everything. I'm smart. I may not be that smart, trust me when you study in UP you don't really feel that smart but most people think I'm smart and I don't think I'm dumb so I guess I'm smart but not a genius. Second, I may not be filthy rich but I think I'm relatively fortunate in terms of financials. Third, I don't know.. I'm talented? I'm not ugly? Haha.. You get the point. What's there to be sad about? I've got a family that loves me. I live independently with my own house and car. I can do whatever I want. If you think about it, nothing's wrong in my life. I'm graduating with honors, hopefully. And then I'll go to law school whichever school it is. Everything is planned out for me. And that's where the wrong is.

See I hate how life is planned like it has a blueprint or something. You go to school, graduate, get a job, get a partner, get married, have kids, and die.. And if you don't perfect one phase of it you feel bad that you did something wrong.. that you messed up the plan. I mean, don't you think people are so predictable? Life is so predictable, I mean the major flow of it. I don't know why but I have issues with it. I don't like how my life is so planned out for me. And I think it's one of the reasons why I fail myself every once in a while. Part of me is curious what would happen if the plan doesn't go right. And I think God is helping me in some way. He's helping me fail in a way that I can't blame myself for it and tell myself it's his plan when actually it's my plan. For instance, failing accountancy was my way of telling my parents I can't do it this way. I don't want it this way. Being a CPA lawyer is good but it's way too much for me. Failing is the easy way out.

So where does that leave me exactly? I don't know. Like I always say, I just go with the flow. It sounds so easy but it's not. The truth is I constantly worry about my future. I am worried that when I'm 24, I don't have any idea what I did to my life. That I wasted my youth. That I didn't live my life to the fullest. That I just became a puppet of the society. That I was just a product of ignorance.

I don't know really. Nothing seems to be wrong but I always feel like there's something wrong. I don't know. I really have issues. I'm difficult. I am hard to deal with. In fact, I've been trying to deal with something lately and I just took off again. I have very unstable emotions. I don't want to feel anything. Being attached to someone or something will only make you vulnerable. I know it's unfair but I just want to be happy. No attachments and all..

Lastly, why do I struggle to be perfect? I mean why do we have to be perfect? Seriously, everyone has to have flaws. So to the people who expect a lot from me, did it ever occur to you that maybe you just see me just the way you want to see me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm an employee of my dad. He gets what he want, I get what I want. Everyone's happy that way. Except I don't really get what I want. I think I believe in Maslow. Self-actualization needs have the highest importance. That's what I need though. It's not what I want. Does it really matter what you want? Actually, wants resulted from having options. If you didn't have options, there's no such thing as want. Anyway, that's off-topic. My point is your wants is not really important. You have to focus on your needs. But I think everyone has figured that out already. They are just blinded by having lots of options that they'd rather get what they want and they don't even know what they really need.

I think I just need to be happy right now. I have a very big problem, and my problem is how to be happy. I wish I was Ms. Brightside. I wish if someone tells me everything's gonna be fine, I'd instantly believe it. But I won't. Although I am a dreamer, I still have a good grip on reality. However, I see the negative part of reality more. I have the clearest ideas on the world's sad realities. If you ask me, I think the biggest problem in the world is how to sustain happiness. It's not energy we should sustain, it's happiness. The sad part is, I think we can never sustain happiness. Why? Man is insatiable in nature. The key to sustainable happiness is contentment. And contentment is almost impossible to achieve. We can never be happy forever because we are never satisfied. We always ask for more. So here I am talking like a philosopher again. I told you, I'm a pseudo-intellectual person. Don't be fooled. There's actually nothing in there. I'm just psychologically unsound sometimes I think and talk (type) a lot.

Right now, I think of myself as a hiker. A hiker who climbs the mountain but she doesn't really know what's up there. She doesn't know if she'll like it or not. She just keeps on climbing to see what's up in there and also because everyone expects her to.. because she's a hiker, it's evidently her life's purpose. The thing is, she's getting tired of climbing already. So, is it really worth it?

2010-10-31T01:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for a while..

Sorry for the lack of updates. I am just in another depression state of my life. Same old story. I don't want to talk about it. When I say depressed, I mean not going out of the house wasting every day with watching movies and listening to sad songs and not wanting to talk to anybody. The bottom line is there has been another series of unfortunate events in my life this sembreak. I don't know why but I feel like I am the queen of unluckiness. I feel like God must hate me or everything is just a punishment or something. My whole plan for sembreak went pfff! I have the lamest sembreak. But that's not the only thing that depresses me. I just don't want to talk about it. Maybe I'll blog again when I'm back to my happy self.. So for now, goodbye blogger..

2010-10-04T05:15:00.000-07:00

CONVICTION

I should see this movie. I SHOULD.. see this movie! This is totally my kind of movie. Okay that's enough.

I usually don't get too excited by trailers because I've seen lotsa bad movies with good trailers and vice versa. But this.. Oh my GOD! (movie freak alert) Hilary Swank is one of my favorite actresses. If you see "Boys Don't Cry", you won't doubt her acting skills. And Sam Rockwell, he's a great actor too! You should see "Moon". It's one of the best sci-fi films I've seen, story-wise.

It's not just about the casts. It's about the story! I love inspirational movies, they are number one on the list of my favorite movie genres. And to add on that, it's a lawyer-inspired movie. I love court scenes and all that law process in movies. In fact, it's one of the reasons why I'm an aspiring lawyer. I am really amazed with lawyers on how they are shown in movies and shows. Oh whatever. I'm just wasting my time again on blogging. Meaning, I have something to finish right now. haha..

2010-10-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

Hello blogger!

It's been three days since I saw John Mayer live and I still can't get over him. I mean seriously, watch this and tell me he is not awesome?

I chose to feature this video because he looks really hot in it. He usually looks like a douchebag, well he actually is. But anyway, this song is my favorite from the Battle Studies album. Continuum is my favorite album of him but Battle Studies has this one, and mayn do I love this song. You should hear the Apartment Sessions version. Also, this song is hard to play in the guitar and sing at the same time, trust me I've tried it.. He is really a Hendrix.

This is also the song he played in the encore of the concert. I almost died when he played it. I have watched a lot of concerts and famous artists don't usually go back for an encore. Well guess what, he did! I love him so much for that. I don't care if he acts like a douchebag sometimes. He's a music genius. It just kills me when he play his guitar solos. I only bought Bronze seats during the concert because I was only interested with his live music. I don't care if I didn't see him closely. With JT, I bought VIP tickets because I was more interested with his physical appearance. HAHA.. Anyway here are some pictures of the concert from my camera. I didn't take much pictures..

And did I mention that it was raining in the first half of the concert and the audience stood on the chairs which was so fail. Kaya nga may seats eh! FAIL.

P.S. I changed my mind. I think this is a better video of the song.

I really love how he usually begins his songs with a short talk on life. And I usually agree on what he says especially on this one:

"So a lot of you guys are gonna head home and either receive texts to the dead of night, or actually compose them, that are not going to be a fully representative of how you feel for the rest of the day and the rest of your week. And you’ll be reaching out, and if you’re not reaching out, you’ll have someone else reaching out to you. And your friends, and your brain, and your morals, and your conscience have all trained you not to respond, but I’m gonna go against the grain and I’m going to suggest that the next time you get a text from the one you love, the only person in the world that you love and can’t talk to, that you respond. That you just write back. When they ask if you’re up, and you’re up and you love them, just write back, “Yep, come over”, because life is just too short to keep playing the game. Because if you really want somebody, you’ll figure it out later. Otherwise, you’ll be laying in bed with a Blackberry on your chest, staring at it, doing nothing for the rest of your night hoping it goes zzzt zzzt zzzt"

Note: I'm not saying let's be aggressive on love. HAHA! I'm just saying let's not be "pakipot" when we want someone. It's not cute. It's either yes or sorry. Don't leave people expecting because you also do want them. Again, it's not cute. It's flirting. If you're up, you go for it. Or else you regret it.

2010-09-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

Random Corny Joke

I was thinking what if Lucio Tan named his daughter Yna? So his daughter would be "Yna Tan". And let's say her middle name would be Kho. It would be such a laugh trip every time she'll be called in a class roll. "Tan, Yna Kho?". lol

Why am I so corny? I haven't slept for like 20 hrs straight. Sabaw.

2010-09-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

Bored.

It's a lazy Monday. I ditched my PE class because I'm supposed to finish something forour feasib but still, I can't find something to motivate or jumpstart me on doing it. So I thought of viewing my youtube channel. It's been a while since I last watched my videos. And then there goes the major EWWNESS moment. I can't believe myself.

And then this video here, someone even asked if it was a boy or a girl. LMAO

Anyway, I'm planning to post my creative shot ideas for graduation. But I'll need time, it'll be a long blog entry with lotsa pictures! ;D

2010-09-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

Anecdote

So my mom was able to catch me in facebook after how many weeks and we chatted. She narrated her conversation with my dad when they weren't able to contact me for days. And it goes something like this:

My mom: Bakit kaya hindi na naman makausap tong si Princess(me)? Sobrang busy na naman siya. Palagi pang galit pag kinakausap.

Dad: Naubusan na naman yan ng pera kaya galit. Alam mo na yan, dekotse kasi siya ngayon kailangan laging mapera.

Grabe lang. My dad really sees me as his money-sucking daughter. Let's all cry! :'(

Well, I'm actually broke for the past days. My dad sure knows me.. so I'm not broke anymore. But that's beside the point. I'm still offended.

2010-09-20T07:03:00.001-07:00

I haven't blogged for a while.. I just don't feel like blogging. So here, I'll just post lyrics to a song I really love as of the moment. This is how I express myself...

I hold on to worry so tight
It’s safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I’ve learned to be
I just need the rain to remind meI want to darken in the skies

Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down

Can I just say the "Kaleidoscope Heart" album is made for me? Sara Bareilles wrote it for me. LOL. "Let the Rain" is my theme song now. What is ANG CHEESY KO LANG?

2010-09-15T16:48:00.000-07:00

Featured Artist: Sara Bareilles

I got bored with listening too much to indie songs lately so I switched to pop music. I downloaded Sara Bareilles's new album which is "Kaleidoscope Heart" and I remembered how much I loved her. She is one of those underrated singers I obsess on. I have a soft spot on women who can really sing, play the piano well, and write their own songs. Those things are my frustrations. And did I mention, she is beautiful. She's like 30 already and she's still as beautiful. I highly recommend her new album. My top 3 songs from it are "Hold My Heart", "King of Anything", "Let the Rain", and "Say You're Sorry". Oops that's 4 already.

To end this post, I'll share a video. It's my major major favorite performance of her. Like one of the comments in youtube, "I'd sell my soul to sing like her" HAHA.. Besides, I love this song and she just took it to the next level. Check out her cover of "Single Ladies" too if you like to be more impressed. :)

And of course, here's a live performance of my current favorite from her new album. It's a sad song but there are good happy songs in the album too. I just fall more for the sad songs. This is why I stay away from pop songs, fucking love songs hit me hard. HAHAHA

2010-09-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

Dear blogger,

I just feel like blogging right now. I don't have a certain thing to blog about. I am just really bored with life, again... It's not because there's nothing to do. Honestly, there's a lot of things for me in the next couple of months. Stress is there to keep me busy, but I'm starting to feel lazy again. I want to do something else. It's always the same thing, the same people, the same worries. I think this time I'm really losing my mojo. I was thinking of joining that French organization yesterday, and I thought what the hell am I gonna get from that? And then there's also this sorority inviting me, but I can't. I'm not good with those kinds of things, I mean commitment and relationships. And then I thought of the yoga thing, but then my asthma hasn't left me yet. And now, I'm talking to my parents and they asked me to train in shooting. I want that, but why don't I feel excited? And there are loads of non-academic things I should accomplish. Then there are also these acad things which are so fucking demanding I just want to fucking fail them all but I can't. Sometimes I think the only thing that's keeping me from failing some subjects is working with groups. I can't fail because I'll fail my group if I do. If it was individual, I'd probably just fail it in some way. I've done that. I unconsciously fail myself on purpose. Haha.. That sounds contradicting: purposely but unconsciously? But anyway, I just want to type and type in this entry to make it so long that people won't bother reading it. Nothing's worth reading in this entry. I'm just in the mood for a typing monologue. I think I need someone to tell me how much of an asshole I am. It's true. Can I just wake up and stop overthinking and worrying and get rid of all those things that bother me. Man, this is why weed should be legalized. Kidding. But honestly, life is such a struggle. Trying to be human, trying to be normal.. Why am I built this way? Sometimes I think of finding myself but I think that's just one of those fucking cliches shown in movies to give people an excuse to go away. I mean ser'sly, how can you find yourself? How do you do that? You can never find yourself because your self is basically just a pigment of your thinking. It's abstract. I can't put it into words but there is no such thing as finding your self. So what do I really need? I don't know. Sometimes I think of that apple given to Snow White so she could sleep and just be awaken by her true love. I'd like that. Haha.. You just sleep on irrelevant parts of your life and wake up for something relevant. I think everything that's happening with my life now is irrelevant. I'm finally making an effort to be relevant but sometimes I think trying to be relevant just feels irrelevant. It's irrelevant to my self, to my life or whatsoever. Now I'm not making sense again. Maybe I should stop here already. I think I've said enough to bore you. Basically, I'm struck by that question on life's purpose or what's in life that makes it worth living. Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna die. I am totally not under that stupidity spell. Maybe I just need something, I just haven't figured it out yet. So bare with my constant brooding. It's just a part of me and it happens from time to time..

2010-09-13T03:57:00.001-07:00

TV SHOW GALORE!

I think I now have a reason to live. HAHAHA. What is ANG BABAW ko lang?

Anyway, this month I'm looking forward to subscribing to 5 shows:

1. The Vampire Diaries Season 2

This just premiered and I almost died okay. Damon is back to my life. For me, it has always been Damon. Always.. Catherine and Elena, where's your taste? Stefan is just a body. lol.

2. Gossip Girl Season 4

I'm still waiting for the premiere's torrent. Oh Mon Dieu! All I can say is.. Chuck is love. And I read that there's no Jenny for this season. I guess she got too fucked up trying to be Courtney Love. Not a hater though..

3. 90210 Season 3

I don't know why I watch this. Sometimes I think it's crap but you have to admit that watching good-looking people living glamorous life in Beverly Hills is sometimes a guilty pleasure. Besides, sometimes the show makes sense too. The Hills and Jersey Shore is what CRAP means. haha.. Anyway, I haven't seen the promo for Season 3 yet, but I know it's gonna premiere on the same day as GG.

4. Nikita

This one's new. I saw the pilot episode and I think it kicks ass. The original French film "La Femme Nikita" is one of my favorites that's why I was obliged to watch at least the pilot of it didn't disappoint. Shane West = AWTR nostalgia. Anyway, an Asian lead or should I say a hot Asian lead adds points to the show. :))

5. Big Bang Theory

This is gonna premiere on the latter part of the month. I just miss Mr. Sheldon Cooper! This show brings out the nerd in me.

By the way, True Blood just ended. *sob* I haven't watched the finale so I can't comment yet. I was gonna add other shows to this list such as Skins Series 5 but the premiere date hasn't been announced yet. I thought it was this month. Cougar Town's 2nd season is gonna premiere this month too but I'm not sure if I'll be able to watch it cause I'm not yet done with the first season. I think five shows is enough to keep me going on with life. HAHA..

2010-09-11T18:18:00.000-07:00

Borderline Personality Disorder

Diagnosis: A person with a borderline personality disorder often experiences a repetitive pattern of disorganization and instability in self-image, mood, behavior and close personal relationships. This can cause significant distress or impairment in friendships and work. A person with this disorder can often be bright and intelligent, and appear warm, friendly and competent. They sometimes can maintain this appearance for a number of years until their defense structure crumbles, usually around a stressful situation like the breakup of a romantic relationship or the death of a parent.

Symptoms: Relationships with others are intense but stormy and unstable with marked shifts of feelings and difficulties in maintaining intimate, close connections. The person may manipulate others and often has difficulty with trusting others. There is also emotional instability with marked and frequent shifts to an empty lonely depression or to irritability and anxiety. There may be unpredictable and impulsive behavior which might include excessive spending, promiscuity, gambling, drug or alcohol abuse, shoplifting, overeating or physically self-damaging actions such as suicide gestures. The person may show inappropriate and intense anger or rage with temper tantrums, constant brooding and resentment, feelings of deprivation, and a loss of control or fear of loss of control. There are also identity disturbances with confusion and uncertainty about self-identity, sexuality, life goals and values, career choices, friendships. There is a deep-seated feeling that one is flawed, defective, damaged or bad in some way, with a tendency to go to extremes in thinking, feeling or behavior. Under extreme stress or in severe cases there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms. Even in less severe instances, there is often significant disruption of relationships and work performance. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts.

I guess that explains it. I'm doomed..

2010-09-03T18:06:00.001-07:00

Just Another Self-Depreciating Entry

I think the best proof of my life being unorganized is that I don't use a planner. I feel like I'm the only one in college who doesn't have one. I tried buying one every once in a while. I even got my first planner from Starbucks to motivate me into using it but it didn't work.. It always ends up empty. I don't know why. I can't take note of dates, I forget everything unless someone or something reminds me of it. I only remember the useless dates such as premieres of movies and shows or dates of parties. I am just dead jealous of those who knows what's going to happen in their life on every date because I don't and I can't. I usually freak out every day trying to remember or find out what's up for the day.

Maybe I'm just one of the firm believers of spontaneity. Life should not be planned. God has it all planned already. So just let it be. Haha.. But I get it, it's not solely about planning your life. It's also equipping yourself from what's gonna happen. At least you're ready for anything in the table for you. I'm just trying to defend myself using that spontaneity argument. The bottom line is, as usual, I suck. I am the epitome of a patapon college student.

2010-09-01T18:20:00.000-07:00

Letter to My Boyfriend

Hi baby, today is our fourth monthsary. I know I have hurt you a lot for the first few months we were together. I wish I knew how to protect you but I was inexperienced in handling our relationship. And though you may not look as hot as this (refer to the pic below) when we first met at the warehouse, my love for you hasn't changed a bit. I was sure it was love at first sight. I fought for you with my parents. They thought you are just gonna cause danger for me which is why it took us a long time to be together. And now that I have you with me, I promise to always take care of you and keep you in good shape. Rain or shine, I hope we stay strong for the years to come..

Love,

The one who drives you crazy

2010-08-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

I'm Nineteen, I'm Perfect..

Neighbor: Anong year ka na ba ne?

Me: 4th year po..

N: Ah ang bata mo pa pala.

M: Graduating na nga po ako this year.

N: Anong balak mong kunin pagkatapos?

M: (napaisip) Magllaw po siguro ako.

N: Ah.. so anong pre-law mo? Kunin mo acctg, para CPA lawyer ka..

M: (huh?) Business Ad po kinukuha ko ngayon.

N: Ai?! College ka pala? Akala ko 4th year as in 4th yr. HIGH SCHOOL!

Sorry I had to blog this because I was affected. Do I look like a highschooler? I mean it's not a bad thing but it's not a good thing either? I'm 19 years old. I always get the HS impression. Sometimes, I even have to present my driving license in some of my transactions. Seriously, I think I'm already old. When you're 18, you're still at the boundary of being a teenager and an adult. But I'm 19 already! I think 19 is perfect for me. I don't wanna be twenteen yet. I still have 9 mos. to enjoy it.

Maybe it's the way I dress and carry myself. I'm not demure enough. I can't walk with poise. I don't even know how to put make-up on. I don't use hand bags or whatever you call those unconvenient-to-carry bags.. These are the things I'm trying to work on at least before I leave college. I can't really blame them.. I mean look at this:

Ako na ang HIGHSCHOOL-slash-JOLOGS-slash-JEJEMON! and I'm proud. I'd rather be one than be a social-climbing mofo. hahaha..

2010-08-30T08:12:00.001-07:00

Plans After Sep. 10

First of all, I'm not excited for our holy month to end. That would be too evil of me. I just have some things I was planning to do before but yeah.. Ramadhan came and it wasn't the right time to pursue them. Btw, I was also planning to go to Adhoc with some friends but I made up my mind not to go. Same reason. Besides, I'm not a party animal. I just felt obliged since it's my last year in college.

Anyway, I actually have two stupid plans. First, like I said before, I am super convinced to take Bikram Yoga sessions. I need that meditation, fat-burning, flexibility, and all that shiz. It's gonna be pricey though.. which is why I didn't buy the electronic drum set I was drooling over at the mall last night. The second stupid plan is to have a tongue piercing again. Haha.. See I don't think there's something wrong about it. It's hidden, it's fun to play with inside your mouth, it keeps you from eating during the first weeks, and it doesn't hurt that much.

The reason I am doing all these stupidity is I don't get to do stupid things lately. All I do is work for my parents, work for my future, work for the common good! And sometimes, I mean at some point in time, it will get you bored and uninspired. You'll feel like a self-righteous skank who is afraid of having fun. I'm not saying let's be hedonists. I'm just saying it doesn't hurt to be stupid sometimes (like what Diesel ads say). We are not machines. We shouldn't program our lives and reboot it everytime we make an error to run the same processes until it works. I think knowing the syntax is enough. The system's features are not discovered without trying or experimenting with it. Enough of the nerd talk! I always end my posts trying to make sense and failing. haha.. byeee

2010-08-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

You don't wanna mess with these girls.

This is why I love the 90s! Bjork and PJ Harvey can easily take down Lady Gaga and Katy Perry without taking their clothes off or any gimmicks..

Oh and did I mention, English over American all the time! ;]

2010-08-21T17:46:00.000-07:00

"Nobody knows anyone. You will never ever know me."

The quote above is from the movie "Rules of Attraction". It's exactly what I'm gonna talk about in this entry.

So I was filling up papers for something and two of them asked for character references. It made me think, is there anyone who really knows me like.. the whole of me? I think there's none. My point is - don't people behave differently with different kinds of people or situation? I think people don't have one definite personality. Or maybe it's just me.

I position myself differently with different people in my life. I carry different characters. First, with my family. I can say I act most naturally with them. But I still have this tendency to act mature and responsible with them and my relatives. And I'm not really that mature and responsible. On the other hand, it's different with friends and acquaintances. I should point out that friends and acquaintances are two different groups of people. When I'm with friends, I am fun and crazy and all that stuff. With acquaintances, I can be friendly and yeah.. sometimes boringI guess. It depends on my mood. Another group of people is the grownups. I behave differently with random people whom I transact with. These could be my professors, bosses and other relevant people. It's the same with people I totally don't know and doesn't know me as well. With them, I'm free to play any character I want. They don't know what to expect. My point is, any person who knows you does not know you exactly the same way as other people do. So if that's the case, does anybody really knows all of you like all of the characters you portray? I guess the question is which of your characters mirrors the person you really are? I don't even know the answer to that question. Well, you might say the significant other is usually that person who knows you best. As of now, I don't have that person so I can't testify to that. I guess the person who knows me best would be my mom. But I still stand by my hypothetical statement - no one ever ever knows anyone.

2010-08-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

I have already removed TV as a necessity in life so forgive me for being late on this one.. I just saw it on the internet. I just want to say I am sooo kiliig for these two! At first, I strongly believed it was just a role they're playing. But after watching this, I don't know... I can't decide anymore if it's real or not. Are they still fooling us? I can say that Mariel is really falling for him whether it's just an act or not. I mean it's Robin Padilla? hello? But I don't know if Robin is really sincere. I'm sorry.. I love him though. In fact, I super love him! I hope his faith stays strong and remains a Muslim. Saludo ako sa kanya! Taking a leave from work for Ramadhan is such a noble thing to do.

2010-08-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

Updates

I haven't posted for the past week. I've been really busy with acads.. and CHEERDANCE! We ruled last night. Overall Champions yo! We won almost every award. But I have to admit, Basketball Women's didn't turn out well. I'm just euphoric during the BACBACAN last night. I screamed my lungs out in cheering for the teams. Hahaha.. And of course, I joined the cheerdance which is why this BACBACAN meant a lot to me. Besides, it will be my last Batch BACBACAN... :(

Anyway, what's next? I'm trying to live up my last year in college as much as possible. Hmm. I don't know. I'll see.. Well, the thing is I'm fasting this month. I was planning to do Bikram Yoga but I'm rethinking it given the fact that it's the month of Ramadhan.. I just need to have something to keep me active again. I can't gain extra weight, I need to shed it off! So I guess that's it. Bye bloggy blog! I'm just really happy right now. ANG INIT INIT! woooooh!

2010-08-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

TUCK IN Fetish

This is kind of my fashion craze right now. The thing is I can't pull it off. Everytime I wear a plaid shirt or any collared shit, I really enjoy tucking it in. I can wear it in certain places. But when I go to school, I can't leave the car with my shirt tucked in. I just think it's really comfy and trendy(OR NOT? I'm just weird). Unfortunately, I'm not that skinny to pull it off.

By the way, the picture above, is love. 90's style! you gotta love the look.. 'cause I love it. And Jolie is love too. :)))

2010-08-06T17:08:00.000-07:00

New Eye Candy

I have grown a crush on Sam Merlotte's shape-shifting brother in True Blood. He's kind of a cutie. He's 26 and he looks 16 to me. He's just adorable but not that hot. It must be his height, the one thing that stopped John Pratts from being a Piolo Pascual. haha..

And by the way, his name is Marshal Allman and he's married. :|

^^,

2010-08-02T04:13:00.000-07:00

I couldn't have said it better.

"I was actually quite a cool kid. I was not tough. I was certainly independent and bold. I was never teased. I never had any trouble from anybody. ... I was never satisfied. I had trouble sleeping. I didn't really fit. I always feel that I'm searching for something deeper, something more... You want to meet other people that challenge you with ideas or with power or with passion. I wanted to live very fully. I wanted to live many lives and explore many things."

- Angelina Jolie

2010-08-02T00:32:00.000-07:00

What happens when you have a cool mom..

If you are reading this, you know that my blog address is not the same anymore. Otherwise, you won't be able to read this right now. I probably either gave you the new(temporary) address or you googled it.

So I just discovered that my mother is my no.1 stalker. No, that's a given already. This is what actually happened. During the last few days, my mom always tells me in FB chat that she knows.. Something like "alam ko na bakit nauubos pera mo. basta alam ko na.." and she even tells me that she has a spy inside our house. So I was thinking that either my sister or my cousin reports my unfortunate happenings to her.

And then at last, she spilled it to me. She was reading my blog and my tweets! And I was like HUWAAATT??? So I blocked my sister's twitter account from following me and I also changed the address of this blog. END OF THE STORY.

Btw, I might change the address back to taobaakoinay, just give me a few weeks when my mom forgets stalking me. Not that I'm trying to hide stuffs from her. But seriously, can you feel comfortable blogging and tweeting when you know that your mom is reading everything? haha.. That's what happens when you have a cool mom who tries to keep up with trends and technology. I'm cool with that, I just need a little daughter privacy. hahaha..

2010-07-29T06:28:00.000-07:00

Before Sunrise

I just watched this movie after hearing and reading good reviews about it. It is one of those movies where I really listened to every single word they said. I wish I could talk to someone like them- the guy and the girl in the movie. I feel like pseudo-intellectual stuff is my kind of thing. Anyway, it was a value-adding movie because it was realistic and almost everything made sense to me. Enough said. I just want to share this particular dialog and a few quotes that stuck in my mind..

Selene: You know my parents have never really spoken of the possibility of my falling in love, or getting married, or having children. Even as a little girl, they wanted me to think of a future career, as a, you know, as a interior designer, or a lawyer, or something like that. I'd say to my dad, 'I want to be a writer.' and he'd say journalist. I'd say I wanted to have a refuge for stray cats, and he'd say veterinarian. I'd say I wanted to be an actress, and he'd say TV newscaster. It was this constant conversion of my fanciful ambition into these practical, money-making ventures.

Jesse: Hmm. I always had a pretty good bullshit detector when I was a kid, y'know. I always knew when they were lying to me, y'know. By the time I was in high school, I was dead set on listening to what everybody thought I should be doing with my life, and just kind of doing just the opposite.

Selene: Mm, hmm.

Jesse: No one was ever mean about it. Its just, I could never get very excited about other people's ambitions for my life.

Selene: But you know what, if your parents never really fully contradict you about anything, and like are basically nice, and supportive...

Jesse: Right...

Selene: It makes it even harder to officially complain. Y'know, even when they're wrong, it's this, it's this passive-aggressive shit, you know what I mean, its... I hate it, I really hate it.

"You know what drives me crazy? It's all these people talking about how great technology is, and how it saves all this time. But, what good is saved time, if nobody uses it? If it just turns into more busy work."

"Isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?"

"I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt."

"It's just, people have these romantic projections they put on everything. That's not based on any kind of reality."

"People always talk about how love is this totally unselfish, giving thing, but if you think about it, there's nothing more selfish."

2010-07-28T17:48:00.001-07:00

Career Path

The hardest thing about growing up is having to think about which career path you will take. When you are a kid, you just say any profession that seems cool to you. But as you grow up, you will know more about it. You will consider its difficulty, how much it would pay, what would other people think and all those little details you haven't really considered back then. I always tell myself it's all set up, I'm going to law school after getting my Business Administration diploma. I tell myself that's what I want, that will make me successful. What I try to deny myself is the underlying reason that I only want it because it's the right thing to do. I always do the right thing.. for my parents, for myself, for the greater good. Deep inside, I know that I won't enjoy it.

I can't make decisions for myself. It's my biggest weakness. I either let my parents decide, or I leave it to a flip of a coin. Anyway, why is law school the right path to take? First of all, I have failed my parents in pursuing accountancy. They still wanted me to pursue it. So it's either I continue accountancy in another school or I go to law school. They don't really ask me to do these things but I can feel it. Expectation is a major bitch. People expect me to excel. They think of something better than I really am. I just play by their rules but really, I'm just as fucked up as everyone else. Not literally.

This leads me to the question I've also asked myself before. If I don't want accountancy, what do I want? And now, if I don't want law what do I really want? Actually, I want to pursue law. I'm just scared I'll end up miserable again. I'm such a failure. Once I lose passion in something, it will all just crumble down without my control. So that's it, I'm just scared I won't like it in the end and I'll just unconsciously let myself fail again. I have issues, really.. I am easily bored with life. I have to be constantly inspired to do what I do. So how am I supposed to deal with this career-setting situation? I honestly want to tell my parents, I'd like to take a break from everything. Well, actually I will after graduation. They promised to give me a vacation trip to other countries as a graduation gift, of course with them. :) But what I really want is something new. I have to say this but I don't really want to take up law in UP. I want to try Ateneo law. I want a new environment. But I'm still not sure about it. There are consequences.. I also thought of another path - to take a post-graduate degree out of the country which is less possible. Maybe a 2-year course on Marketing or something in Singapore, Paris, or London. But I don't think my parents would allow me. They are overprotective of me. Allowing me to live in this country without them is already too much for them, what more in other countries where I don't have relatives. But my argument would be my age. I think I'm mature and..well I'm not really old enough. But seriously.. Haii. I just have to stop this. All this talking about life. I'm overthinking again. I should just let it be.. let it happen whatever's there to happen. The bottom point of my life is that I would always be good. That I Would Be Good.

2010-07-28T05:11:00.000-07:00

Elitista

Bakit ang daming taong elitista? Yong tipong porke mayaman ka, iba ang tingin mo sa mga taong hindi ganon ka-blessed. Talagang feel na feel mong hindi mo sila kalevel. Nakakainis lang. Hindi sa nagmamagaling or nagpapakaanghel ako pero naiinis lang talaga ako sa ganon. Sila yong tipong hindi nakikipagkaibigan sa iba. Pero pag nalaman na meron ka, makikipagkaibigan sa yo. Pero minsan, hindi rin naman sila kayamanan. Social climber lang ikanga. Hindi ko lang magets bakit kailangan mo manamit, magsalita, or gumalaw ng ganon. Akala mo tataas ang tingin sa yo ng tao pag elitista ka pero no! Mas mataas ang tingin ko sa mga mayaman na hindi halata.

Pero minsan naisip ko kasalanan din ng mga magulang nila. Pinalaki siguro sila na ganon, matapobre at sosyal. Sila yong tipong bata pa lang, ini-ingles na ng mga magulang. Ganon kasi mahirap sa tin mga Pilipino, trying hard masyado. Buti sana kung lumaki sa ibang bansa, maiintindihan ko pa. Kaya ako sobrang thankful sa magulang ko, kasi kahit lumaki ako sa ibang bansa sinanay ako hindi lang sa Tagalog kundi sa Maranao. At higit sa lahat, pinalaki akong praktikal. Binibigay sa amin ang gusto namin pag kaya pero ni minsan hindi ipinasok sa kokorte namin ang mapagmataas na mentalidad. Tinuruan kami gumalaw ng tama pero tinuruan din kami makibagay sa iba-ibang uri ng tao. Yong iba kasi, may mga kilala ako kamag-anak pa yong iba, talagang sinasanay sila na maging you know.. grabe eto na naman ako. Medyo nahayblad lang ako sa isang tao, ayoko na binabackbite sa kin ang kaibigan ko. Too much info? Matigil na nga tong mga pinagsasabi ko.

2010-07-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

I super love this look so I had to post it. Simple yet trendy. You gotta love Leighton!

2010-07-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

SUPERR FUNNEH!

The Top Ten Signs That You’re Sosyal

Febkinse – My ex once told me: “I have to go na, nagpapasundo si Mom.” I asked where, and she said: “Sa Hong Kong.”
Hazelnut – A sosyal classmate rode a jeepney for the first time. She yelled to the driver: “Manong no aircon?!?”
Rabidmind – A sosyal classmate told us: “Okay, I’ll my yaya’s P.A. to do it!”
Shingshing – I have a classmate who always adds “superrr” to everything. One time I asked her what she got in our exam. She said: “Superrr low! Superrr twelve lang!”
Lockon Stratos – Sosyal pulubi: “Pa-beg. I need braces eh.”
Mr. Perk – I asked a friend is she wanted turon, she asked: “What’s turon?” When I showed her, she said: “Oh, you mean banana fritters!”
Yñaki – If, after performing a certain “job”, she says: “Yahyah, mouthwash!”
Racer – When the designer said: “The dress will be expensive ha?” She said: “It better be!”
No name – My friend couldn’t decide what to wear. I saw a Lacoste shirt so I pointed to that. She said: “Yawck. Lacoste is for pambahay.”
Makati Feast – If your aircon is too cold, so you tell your maid: “Yaya, turn on the heater!”
Blair – I once attended a 1st bday party, and instead of cotton candy booths and sorbetes carts, they had Krispy Kreme and Starbucks!
Eylek – One time I couldn’t join a gimik because my car was coding. A friend said: “Why? Don’t tell me you only have one car?”
RVincent – I have a friend who calls lumpiang toge: “veggie turon” and calls turon: “banana lumpia”.
Dru – There’s a club called “30 Rocks”, where the only qualification to be a member is to own at least 30 carats of diamonds.
Yanyaneh – We have a friend who claims she “commutes” going home. What she does basically, is to take the MRT until Shangri-la, where her driver is waiting to bring her home.
Lady TSR – I had a teammate who brought her yaya to our team-building, para daw may taga-ihaw kami sa resort.
No name – A friend who rode the jeep for the first time asked: “Manong how much? 6.50 only? Okay, I’ll make libre everyone na!”
LilRedShiningNips – Sosyal: “Miss, is this on sale?” Saleslady: “Yes ma’am!” Sosyal: “Yuck.”
Morrigan – I have a friend, and if you call their house, they answer: “Hola?”
Blitzen – They’re called “sandflies” in Amanpulo, but called “niknik” in Matabungkay.
Ralph Waldo If you tell the magtataho: “Grande, nonfat, no whip please.”
Super KS – A classmate screamed because she saw a lizard in the toilet: “Ew, may Lacoste! May Lacoste!”
Eylek – Sosyal1: “What’s the diff between penis and kamote?” Sosyal2: “Yuck, I don’t eat kamote!”

credits: http://chicogarcia.wordpress.com/

2010-07-14T18:07:00.000-07:00

Heart Skipped a Beat

I've been really addicted to this song for the past weeks. I play it on repeat everytime I'm alone in the car. I have to admit, it's a late favorite fromThe XX. I liked "Intro", "Crystalized", and "Islands" first. The simplicity of their songs make it very listenable unlike today's overlayered songs. They simply use a guitar, bass, drum machine, and of course their flirtiest ever voices.
So I'm posting the lyrics to this song because I think I finally figured it out. It's funny how they write their songs because it could mean anything. For instance, I really think "Crystalized" is about drugs (crystal meth) and all. "Heart Skipped a Beat", at first, I thought was about sex. You can't blame me, Oliver Sim's first stanzas were too sexy to not think of something else. haha.. But anyway, here is my final take on the lyrics:

First of all, it's a guy and girl obviously talking (singing) to each other.

Please don't say we're doneWhen I'm not finished
I could give so much more
Make you feel, like never before
Welcome, they said welcome to the floor

Apparently, the guy is begging the girl not to leave him. He believes there's so much more he can give, if only the girl would give him the chance. He's not done courting the girl yet, he is confident that he could make the girl happy.

It's been a while
And you've found someone better
But I've been waiting too long to give this up
The more I see, I understand
But sometimes, I still need you

After some time, the girl found out the guy has someone new, someone better than her. And she realized she actually felt something for him, she just can't give it up at the time they were together. She thought she can live without him but sometimes she misses him.

And I was struggling to get in
Left waiting outside your door
I was sure
You'd give me more

Now the girl fights for the guy, chasing him, waiting for him to answer back. She was sure the guy has still something for him, like what he said before.

No need to come to me
When I can make it all the way to you
You made it clear
You weren't near
Near enough for me

The guy responds, he didn't need her to ask for his love. He can go for it anytime he wants. Sadly, it was too late for them. She pushed him away before and made it clear that the girl was out of his league, she was too good for him.

Heart skipped a beat
And when I caught it you were out of reach
But I'm sure, I'm sure
You've heard it before

This is like the summary of the sad story. "Heart skipped a beat" is a very good way to put it into words. They sang it together because they both knew what it was. The girl's heart skipped the beat that was necessary, it was the timing that killed everything. They started good, and at some point the girl stopped it because she wasn't sure or something. And when she caught that certain beat, when she realized it, the guy was already out of reach i.e. he found someone else. The last two lines just says they were also sure they felt something for each other already before. They cannot deny that certain heart beat she skipped.

I KNOW. I'm too cheesy for doing this. The song is just sad and it speaks to me. In fact, I was just amazed on how... anyway. I'm pathetic. That's all.

2010-07-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

Series of Unfortunate Events

June 30 - someone broke in our house, lost a 37-in. Sony BRAVIA LCD flatscreen worht 100k.

July 3 - tinted my windowand fixed the scratches on my car. FAIL. the tint had bubbles and the paint didn't match my color

July 4 - went back to the shop and still they didn't fix it, super bad trip.

July 6 - on my way home, I bumped a motorcycle parked on the sidewalk. paid for it and had a major scratch on my car

July 7 - finally, car got fixed but on my way to the car shop, I got pulled over for a traffic violation. got a ticket to pay.

July 8(now) - 4am, brownout! no electricity, something went wrong with our whatever. had to go here (McDo Katips) to finish an acad work.

If you think you're unlucky, SHUT UP.

WHAT IS FML?

2010-07-07T08:41:00.000-07:00

Poetry never gets old.

I just finished watching A Knight's Tale. If you've read my previous posts, you know the reason I watched it. Suddenly, I missed Heath Ledger. I loved these lines. Like what Shannyn Sossamon said in the movie, "I demand poetry."

"It is strange to think, I haven't seen you since a month. I have seen the new moon, but not you. I have seen sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face. The pieces of my broken heart are so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle. I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to. I next compete in the city of Paris, I will find it empty and in the winter if you are not there. Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight, it will not be the last time that I look upon you."

I have this habit of reading memorable quotes from a movie I liked, immediately after watching it. You get a lot of thoughts from these movie lines. Almost all movies have a unique line or dialogue you can ponder on.

..which reminds me of one of my favorite dialogues in one of my favorite movies. This one is from "A Life Less Ordinary". I never realized how hot Cameron Diaz is until I watched this movie. Don't even get me started on Ewan McGregor, his accent is the sexiest ever. I prob'ly should post the dialogue right away.

Celine: So you're telling me that successful relationships... are made in heaven? Notfounded on the daily practicality... of two people being prepared... to tolerate the imperfections of one another?
Robert: It's not successful relationships, Celine. It's love. And it comes from a strange and wonderful place... that we don't know about.
Celine: So you also reject the idea... that love is merely an emotional adaptation... to a physical necessity?
Robert: Completely.
Celine: Are you serious?
Robert: Fate intervenes in people's lives. In ours, for instance. Fate brought us together. It kept us together. We were destined for one another.
Celine: Fate had a pretty strange way of making its point.
Robert: But that's part of the beauty of it. It's inexplicable, unpredictable... and absolutely beyond control or understanding.
Celine: But you nearly got killed.
Robert: But I didn't... and here we are.
Celine: Do you have any substantial evidence to back all this?
Robert: None at all.
Celine: And you realize that it's absurd and irrational?
Robert: I know that.
Celine: Then why do you believe it?
Robert: Because, Celine, I'm a dreamer.
Celine: Well, I guess that makes two of us.
Robert: Are you ready?
Celine: As I'll ever be.
Robert: Then let's go.

This is the last scene of the movie and the concept was a little cheesy but I liked it. It really had an effect on me. Indeed, we are all dreamers. We suck with reality. Well, maybe at least for me.

2010-07-04T05:21:00.001-07:00

Great Grans

I was looking at my files and I found these pictures..

This is my mom's grandpa. He was a very distinguished man during his time. As my grandma narrates, they have been to different countries using the ships my great grandpa rents from the Americans. According to stories, he was the first who was able to let the Maranaos travel to Mecca for Hajj via ships. He was a businessman and speaks English very well that's why he was close to the Americans and he was able to rent their ships. He always wears Americana and like my mom says, he has that "mayabang" factor going on. Maybe that's why I am a bit mayabang. hahaha..

Here's my great grandma. She's the wife of the man in the picture above. She's already old and half-paralyzed in this picture. As you can see, she looks a bit Chinese. My mom says she has a Chinese blood. She said she's half-Chinese but my mom is not sure. Anyway, my great grandma, according to stories, has powers. They say the reason why she got sick is because she used to have "dwende" friends who help her with what you call that thing.. the making of textile/"paghahabi". During her time, people were amazed at how many textiles she can make in a day. But then she learned that it was prohibited in our religion to be friends or ask help from supernatural beings that's why she stopped her relationship with whatever those beings are. And from that time, she got sick.

Anyway, stories.. sometimes they're interesting. It's good to know your roots and know stories about them. At least you have something to pass to the next generation of your family.

2010-07-02T07:55:00.000-07:00

Antisocial

This night, I was supposed to go to three acquaintance parties of different organizations. They were all at the same time. I was planning to pass by each venue but I ended up going home and watching movies. I live a very boring lifestyle.

It's funny because I really attempted to attend the parties. By the time I parked at one of the venues, I changed my mind. I thought about the conversations, laughters, people's laughter over something not really funny, lots of people, people trying to be.. people, etc. and I thought maybe not this time. Sometimes I can't deal with those things. It's like I experience a sudden social anxiety where I will just feel awkward or seem awkward to people. It doesn't happen all the time though. It depends on my mood. I can also be a miss congeniality at times, it's a product of my hidden sense of humour. But there are those instances where I feel like I'm struggling to say anything or struggling to conform to social norms. I know.. it's so lame.

And now I wonder where does it all come from? Is it because of me or how I was raised or my culture? I don't think so. I think I'm pretty much raised in the same way as most of my age. I don't know what it is that makes me feel abnormal. I've tried the usual way of having fun. People my age go to parties, social gatherings, whatevers. I just don't like partying. It's like you just hang out there, people talk to you but they don't really make sense. It's like the whole shallow dynamics around the place that I can't stand. People always have to talk, I know that's a must. It's like the very backbone of socializing. I just wish I could talk about stuff that makes more sense to me. So far, there has only been very few people who can relate with my kind of things. Conversations, they're like a continuum of topics relevant between two or more persons. You can't talk about something totally unfamiliar to the person you are talking to. So you resort to shallow topics they can relate to. I sound like a trynnabe philosopher. I'm just saying we should be dreamers.. romantics.. weirdos.. freaks.. interesting.. intellectual.. here I go again, talking bullshit. I'm saying I loathe people who don't make sense to me but actually it might be I who make no sense at all..

2010-07-01T07:24:00.001-07:00

Rise and shine baby!

I deleted my post about the unfortunate thing that happened to me. I just don't want to remember it.. as if it never happened. Although I will be more and more careful with everything. Like my dad said, once you step out of your house, anyone can kill you.

So yeah. It took one thing to made me realize everything. My uncle who's a very religious person came to our house a while ago. He gave us his thoughts and advices. According to him, we should be very thankful that nothing really bad happened. In his words, "dumaan kayo sa kamatayan hindi niyo ba alam?" And it really struck me. The thought just came in deeper to me when he said it. We almost DIED. It's a sign from Allah according to him. We don't pray that much in the house. Our maid does pray more than us. And it's amazing how she was shielded from hearing anything because if she heard it, she'll go out of the room and she's dead. There's also this big carvings of "Ayatul' Kursi" on the way to our stairs. I think that helped in keeping the burglars going up to our rooms.

I just don't care about losing the Bravia anymore. I don't care if all the money and material things we have in life are gone as long as we are all alive and healthy. Life matters most. I should be really thankful to Allah. And lastly, I'll try to be more religious. I'll try to pray more. Ramadhan is closer, it's my first time to spend it here in this country with family - my sister and relatives...

In summary, I don't wanna be bitter about it anymore. I just wanna chill.. LIKE HER:

Haha.. I'm over the Bravia but I'm not over my girl crush and my idol. toinks

2010-06-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

New Girl Crush

You can say I'm a lesbian but I don't care. Sometimes girls are also inhumanely beautiful that I can't help having a massive girl crush on them. Gahd, I wish I can be incarnated to Winona Ryder, Natalie Portman, Melanie Laurent, etc.

So I watched this movie "Rules of Attraction" just because Ian Somerhalder is there. I also have a massive crush on him. His eyes.. Anyway, the movie made no sense to me but there's this girl who caught my eye. Her name is Shannyn Sossamon. Check her out!

At first, I thought she really looked familiar. Mesmerizing. I think the eyes and the mole(same as mine) is one factor. haha! The pixie cut is a hotness factor too. After doing a research, I realized I saw her first in "Catacombs" and "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang". I also have that critically-acclaimed movie of hers called "Wristcutters" but I haven't watched it yet. I'm now downloading "A Knight's Tale" and "40 Days and 40 Nights" to see more of her work. She's just.. HOT! Life is unfair.

I also read that she has a Filipino blood and she started as a dancer. She went to school to study dance and worked as a DJ which is why she was discovered by an agent in one of her gigs. She's also a musician. She was a drummer of a psychedelic band but she chose acting over music. Actress, dancer, DJ, model, musician.. AWESOME is the word! I guess I just found my inspiration at the moment.

Nice tattoos btw...

2010-06-27T05:04:00.000-07:00

I am totally leaving this country.

Sorry, I think I'm flooding my blog again with all my random thoughts. I just wish I could talk to someone about life and art and all my weird stuffs. The truth is I am actually a serious person. Really.. I just can't find people whom I could be really serious with.. So I end up trying to make jokes all the time. I used to have this person in my life whom I could really talk to about life and all.. But our thing ended so fast though. I realized I was bored with him. It was just his culture that interested me. Anyway, what was I saying?

Well, I just came to another conclusion in life. I don't want to stay in this country. It may seem so unpatriotic for me to say so but I just think life is sweeter out of this country. I used to say I'll travel the world but I'll reside here to serve my country but yea right. Again, that's my hypocrisy talking. A number of my highschool mates went to study college in other countries mostly US, UK, and Canada.. And you can see more life and optimism in them. I think your country of residence really affects how you see life. With all the poverty and pollution in this country, sometimes I feel like I'm never in a good mood. I struggle to find inspirations on my own. You have to be inspired with the people and environment around you. It makes life easier. Okay, I feel like I'm talking like an artist. I'm not an artist. I'm just a free thinker. Well, maybe just a thinker. The words "I'm a free bitch baby!" just passed by my mind.

Anyway, I just want to say we should leave this country. JOOOOKE! I'm just saying.. nothing. I don't know what I'm saying. Well, you could say by now that I hate this place. Not totally. But I just wish there's less wealth-condensation, less greedy capitalists, less poverty and pollution, less corruption and more technology, more education, more beautification, more LIFE in this country! and also PEACE I should say.. I just wanna be inspired. That's the bottomline of it. That sums up everything I feel right now. I want to be inspired not necessarily by someone but I just want to be inspired in life. It keeps me going. I'm slowly losing my enthusiasm and all that passion I used to have in me. It depreciates me in a way. I'm gain weight, get lazier and lazier, and just apathetic and anti-social in some ways. LOL

2010-06-27T04:32:00.000-07:00

Biggest Frustration

Other than nailing a perfect backflip, my biggest frustration would be playing the piano very well. I could play guitar, drums, and well.. harmonica. But if I could choose and take back time, I'd rather learn the piano and not those instruments. I think it's really the backbone of music. You can play more notes in the piano than in any other instrument. I think music notes are even invented for the sake of piano.

Piano also has this sound that can really take you out of this world. I know you could also get high in the electric guitar and drums but piano is more like taking you out of the world in a soothing way not in a euphoric nirvana whatsoever rock and roll kind of feeling.

I just wish I could still learn the instrument. Actually, I know a bit of it. I took summer classes 3 years ago but I forgot all about it because my parents didn't buy me a piano. They told me I should stop wasting my time in my music thing because I'm in college already. Anyway, I can read notes in a very slow pace. I can play stupid nursery songs. hahaha.. But really, I'm just frustrated with piano. I wish I had time for it but I think I'm too late. I should have let my parents take me to a piano school when I was younger. Instead, I was brainwashed with all the rock and roll hype during my youth. My foundation in music was more of learning a music culture then learning to play its music. I was too naive to consider taking the music more seriously first like learning to play for the sake of its essence or something and not for impressing people.

I still won't give up on this. I'm planning to take piano seriously after I finish college. It will be my source of mind relaxation when I am in law school. Yea right.

2010-06-25T06:32:00.001-07:00

Low Self-Esteem

Ever since I went to college, I've struggled in building up my self-esteem. I don't know, maybe the UP factor is one reason. I always ask myself, "am I really smart?" Because sometimes I feel like I'm not really smart or smart enough.

And when it comes to talent, people say I'm talented (yabang?) but honestly, I never got to the point where I am able to admire my work. I play guitar and drums in an intermediate level, I've had 3 bands since high school, I've performed live.. but everything seems fail to me. Maybe it was really fail.

Then here comes dancing, my so-called "passion". I know I enjoy dancing and in some point, I also enjoy seeing myself dancing. But really, I don't think I'm a good dancer. I can dance, but not to the impressive level. People think I'm a good dancer just because I tried to join UP Streetdance and all but honestly, I'm not much of a dancer. I love to freestyle but I struggle when it comes to choreography. That's why I try not to join dance stuffs with people who know me as a dancer. I don't wanna disappoint. I never considered myself as a dancer. I'm just a dance enthusiast.

2010-06-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

TRYING HARD.

Because I'm supposed to be doing something else now, I ended up making a cover again. I'm just extremely addicted to this song for the past days. This is embarassing. I recorded this in one take and you can say by my gasping for breath as the song progresses especially after the verses or as the chorus starts. I didn't get the perfect timing in the rap part because the instrumental I got was not official which means I can't synchronize it with the original so I wasn't able to rap simultaneously with Eminem. whatever.. Anyway, don't mind the singing, it's super fail. If Bieber says, "I'm a singer not a rapper", I say the opposite. TOINKS

Love The Way You Lie (FAIL Cover) - Eminem ft. Rihanna

2010-06-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

Updates

I haven't blogged much lately.. just some music stuff. I'm just busy with something. I might post pictures of the finished product when it's done. Haha.. I'm starting to be a pro on the construction thing, blame it on my dad.

Anyway, so that's one of the things I'm trying to accomplish - the construction(check!) and furnishing(starting) of another condo. It's kinda stupid because no one's actually gonna live there but my dad thinks it has a strategic location in the heart of Manila. toinks

What else? Acad work of course. But there's not much yet for now. Another school stuff- I joined our college cheerdance competition. Whoa. I don't know. Honestly, it was just another one of my impulsive decisions. Besides, it's my last year in the college, it would be a good opportunity to know at least some of my batchmates whom I just know by face. lol. Also, I think it's a good idea to lose weight. AS USUAL, that's the real reason behind every physical thing I do.

I'm also planning to join two organizations this sem. I guess that would be too much but we'll see. I'll let my fate do its thing. I'm also an old student already, so most of the officers are my batch. That might work as an advantage.

Also, about my subjects. I took two hardcore subjects this sem - marketing research and feasibility study. I should get away from cramming by now.. which is impossible by the way. I'm also taking French this sem and so far, I am loving it! Merci!

This is too much for an "update" post so I guess I'll end it here. I won't even mention the dent and scratch I got in my car's door side. Well, I just mentioned it. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!! (ragetoon moment)

2010-06-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

Done with internship!

I've been busy for the last few weeks because of internship stuffs. I should have finished it when I was in Jeddah but I chose to enjoy my vacation as much as I can. I had failed attempts on finishing it earlier though, as usual.

For the last three nights, I slept for only 2 hours. And finally, we had our culminating night in Ayala Museum this day. It was fun. We had a debriefing session. We had to talk and the internship coordinators also had their speeches. The executive vice president of Ayala Foundation was also there and delivered a small message. What else? Food of course. After all the talking, sir asked me to deliver my joke about being a bombshell again. Lol. I didn't know the stupid joke really got him.

I also had my first drive to Makati this day. When we went there this afternoon, our professor took the ride with us. I got pressured to drive well. It was also awkward having your professor on your passenger seat. SAnyway, she gave me directions on how to get there. Then, when we left Ayala Museum, we had a WILD roadtrip back home. We didn't exactly know the way back. One of my co-interns was even looking at a map. And it was rush hour that time. Plus, you can only imagine how a month-old driver handles the situation. It was really crazy. We were laughing all the time because of the u-turns we take. One of us was supposed to just go down at Makati but she prefer to enjoy the adventure with us. Haha..

Anyway, the thing is.. I'm just really happy it's officially over. Well I'm not sure about that yet. I have a feeling they'll still call me when they're able to contact the proponents of the business concepts I worked on. I'm okay with that. I mean.. I think my final output was crap because I didn't have enough sources and information to work on.

I'm gonna sleep now. I just felt the need to post because I hate seeing my previous post. Haha.. This is a perfect post to cover it. When did I get lovesick? Haha.. Well, I'm not and I wasn't. I realized I was just longing for my family after I had the whole summer with them. I got a little bit emotional and maybe delusional but I'm over it. I don't care about him anymore. I'll be back to being numb.. as always. And I'll just continue doing my thing. I'm a self-centered person.

2010-06-05T01:02:00.000-07:00

Closure.

Yesterday, I wrote something here and I deleted it after a few hours. I realized I was giving myself away too much in this blog. Besides, I thought it was too personal and not something to be shared with the public. I'm just not that brave, I guess. It's better to keep it to myself. So I'll just post these lyrics to express myself figuratively. I just want to shut it all out. Distraction is the last thing I need right now.

"The Heart Of The Matter"

by: India.Arie [originally performed by Don Henley]

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness..

This song is beautiful. It always speaks to me.

2010-06-04T11:03:00.001-07:00

Lookbook Kuno!

Two in the midnight and my younger sister and I were still awake, so we end up having a photoshoot. I had a very few outfits to choose from because I only brought some of my favorite stuffs to Jeddah. Most of what I wore were newly-bought. :) To cut the story short, my sister took the photos and edited it. Here's the outcome of our little amateur creation..

top: denim polo shirt, New Look

bottom: black jeans, Stradivarious (Zara Brand)

shoes: gladiator shoes, New Look

accessories: black wristwatch, Claires

top: biker jacket(cotton), Urban Behavior

: plaid shirt, Next

bottom: gray acid-washed jeans, Lee Cooper

shoes: embroidered black slip-on, Vision (Nike Brand)

accessories: Blackberry.. lol.

top: gray acid-washed shirt, NewYorker

bottom: light blue faded jeggings, Calliope

shoes: gladiator shoes, New Look

accessories: oversized bonnet, somewhere in Greenhills

: peace sign necklace, New Look

This one's my favorite. I love my side view. Hahahaa...

2010-05-30T23:39:00.000-07:00

Hair Talk

When I got to college, I always cut my hair everytime it gets longer. Now, I think I'm gonna let my hair grow as long as possible for my grad pic. I know it will take a while but I still have plenty of time. Besides, it's already growing. I want my long hair back and I want it wavy. Girly much?

This.. is girly:

hahahaha..

2010-05-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

Not all black music videos don't make sense.

I don't usually post videos unless I like them a lot. I am a fan of both Trey Songz and Keri Hilson, so I was intrigued by this video. I didn't expect it to have a good story/concept. The acting was not that good, but it was believable considering the fact that they are not actors.

And about the hotness, I think I've already mentioned here that I have a crush on Trey. And I also think Keri is really seductive. I am jealous of her. They looked really hot together. I love them both. I like the way they sound sexy in their tracks. The point is.. I am a fan. And this video made me more of a fan.

The song is decent too. Trey just has amazing vocals, living up to R.Kelly. I just loved the video. I hate how almost every black video shows nothing but cars, booty, ice, money, and more nonsense plots if they even have plots. This one is just realistic.. and SAD btw. Honestly, it made me cry. See for yourself though. Relatively, I have a weak heart.

P.S. This proves that I am not a racist. I also admire black people. Although calling them black is kinda racist. But seriously, I think some of them can be attractive and talented. I've always had crushes on niggas such as Chingy, T.I., and now Trey Songz. I also remember having a crush on a half-black Jamaican guy who works as a barista in the Starbucks cafe where we usually hang out back in HS. He never told us his name though. He wants us to call him Starbucks. He even invited us to go to Jamaica. However, I guess he didn't wanna mess up with HS girls. hahaha..

2010-05-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

BOOKMARKS!

A blog is used for sharing. So I listed these sites I usually visit for those who are interested.

1. Google

- This is actually my homepage.

2. Youtube

- I'm an addict with 100+ subscriptions.

3. Facebook

- Not using facebook much lately.

4. Twitter

- I'm slowly turning into a twittard.

5. Tumblr

- I used to be an addict. When I reached 40 followers, I stopped posting much.

6. Blogger

- :)

7. Yahoo Mail

- very important.

8. Yahoo Groups

- It means work to me.

9. Btjunkie.org

- I used to download torrents from mininova but it went down. So I'm back to btjunkie for best quality especially music, movies, and software.

10. Piratebay.org

- I use this for downloading TV show torrents when I can't wait. They're usually faster in uploading latest episodes.

11. Opensubtitles.org

- for downloading subtitles for my movie downloads.

12. Yahoo Answers

- I visit this often when I have questions in my mind. It's a helpful site.

13. Wikipedia

- Also helps. Yes, I'm a wikiwhore. Who doesn't want the easy-to-get source.

14. Imdb

- As a movie buff, I find myself visiting this site frequently. So I also bookmarked it.

15. Hypem

- I can't leave without hypem. When I'm bored with my current songs, I just visit this to discover and download new music. I mean the kind of music you don't easily find not those chart music/hits.

16. Pigeons and Planes

- This is a music blog I particularly go for new music. It can be hip-hop, indie, or just new music videos. It also has some good news on it.

17. Persona Sauna

- This is also a good music blog. I usually go to this site for downloading recent GG music. They also post new music videos.

18. TV Show Music

- I love music used in the TV shows I watch. CW doesn't only hire hot casts, they also have brilliant music supervisors. This site posts the songs used in almost all popular shows except for UK shows such as Skins.

19. Beemp3

- I use this for downloading popular music. When I can't really find a specific song, I go to filestube.com :)

20. Ultimate Guitar

- I seldom visit this site nowadays. It's because I don't play much. I only learn songs which I really would like to play. Also, ultimate guitar is not just for guitar tabs. You can also find Guitar Pro files which is opened through the software which I have. And it usually includes the music sheet for all instruments used in the song. Cool, huh? I'd say lovely.

21. Lookbook.nu

- Sometimes I'm just bored and when open this site, the awesomeness in most of the pictures cheers me up. It also keeps you updated on the fashion trends although I'm not much of a fashionista myself.

22. Nylon Blogs

- This blog is a package of everything- music, fashion, art, news, etc. I visit it once in a while when I love wasting my time. I also like their site+music of the day segment.

23. Just Jared

- I used to visit Perezhilton for hollywood news but he gets shitty sometimes. He can be such a hater and sometimes it's funny but sometimes, nah.. Besides, his gayness shows in his drooling-over-hunks posts. So I switched to Just Jared. It is more decent and has more pics too. I also visit Just Jared Jr. but it gets to Disney-ish sometimes.

24. Fashion.Grunge.Style

- This is also a blog which includes fashion and music. Like I always say, grunge is love. I really love this blog even though it doesn't post often. I can say it's my favorite blog because I can relate to the blogger's likes.

25. Chuvaness

- This keeps me updated locally. It was introduced to me by a friend(Hi Minah!) and I didn't like it at first but it grew on me. I like her opinions on things happening in the country. She's one of the lucky Filipinos residing in their own country. You could see her lifestyle is not the typical in the Phils. I could tell she gets a lot on her advertisements in the blog. Anyway, this blog is entertaining and insightful in a good way.

That's basically my bookmarked sites. If you can recommend other sites which you think I will love, please do. I love wasting my time on the internet. Haha...

2010-05-26T14:55:00.000-07:00

Calculations.

I was a little freaked out this day when I thought about my grades. My parents kept telling me that my grades might go down or something like that. I don't know if they're doing it on purpose but I sure know that kind of behavior is normal to them. I guess they're sensing that I'm a little out of grip in my grades right now.

So I made calculations for my GWA. Not just GWA, but also the minimum grade I need to reach in order to graduate with a cumlaude. I've already given up my hopes for a magna. Based on my calculations, it's impossible.

So here's how to do it.

[(GWA x total number of units already taken) + X] / [total number of units including those not taken yet] = target grade

then find X.

In my case:

[(1.6864 x 110) + X] / 146 = 1.75

X = 1.9444

Therefore, I need to have a grade of at least 1.94 in my next subjects or as an average of them. I think I can do that. I've never had a GWA as low as that in my whole life. Positive thinking. This is just what I needed. Something to assure myself to stop freaking out. GC eh?

2010-05-26T00:55:00.000-07:00

PRESSURE

First of all, spare yourself some time by not reading this. I'm just gonna talk to myself for a while.

On the second semester, I am officially a graduating student. Just the term "graduating" puts a lot of weight on my shoulder. I just can't take it all in. It's like the judgment time. I promised my parents I'm gonna graduate with honors. And after computing my current GWA, it's around 1.69. And I'm like, daym that's close. I've got to stop being an A-hole.

I know what you're thinking right now. GC much? Well, honestly I've been GC since..ever! It just doesn't show because of my personality. People can be GC without being OC. Gets? I think I'm talking too much again.

Anyway, I just.. I can really feel the pressure right now. (Like the Paramore song eh?) I mean, when you're close to the end, that's the climax of everything. That's why there's a word for it, climax. No sexual connotation though. (Lol. My green humor is disgusting.)

So what am I talking about? Just talking, really. I told you this blog is where I channel every goddam thing I feel, think, whatever.

If I'm not mistaken, this year is also when I'm gonna take the UP LAE. Yeah, that kinda add to the pressure too. I think that exam is more on writing. I SUCK at writing. seriously.. By that, I mean formal writing. I just hate formality. The thing is.. I can't stand any other failure anymore. I failed in pursuing accounting, I can't fail in pursuing law. I just can't. It's an academic suicide.

Another thing that bothers me is my car. The fact that they gave me a car, they are expecting me to do better. For the past sems, my grades are pretty much buttfucked up. Again, sorry for my words. I just think it gives more intensity to what I'm trynna say.

That's it. I just needed to squeeze everything out. I hate breaks. It just gives me more time to think. And thinking about things, it upsets me. I think a lot. I should just relax. I just hope I manage to reinvent myself this sem. Not the "Madonna" kind of reinvention but more of my handling of responsibilities. I feel like I always fuck up everything. And that sense of self-empathy or self-hatred, it kills me. So to counter that, I'd have to work really hard and be focused. Focus is the word. And if I succeed with that, fail or not, I won't have to hate myself because I did my part. You see it sucks more when you fail and you know it's your fault. Being able to blame yourself makes the pain more excruciating. It's like being a vampire. Haha.. Here I go again. I should stop. Bye for now!

2010-05-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

Random Analogy

I love creating analogies in my mind during my leisure time for contemplating. And since I have nothing worth posting right now, I might just share some of these in this blog every once in a while.

I was just randomly thinking of Ian Somerhalder and his leather jackets. And so the thought of comparing guys to jackets just came out of the blue. I realized it was the perfect analogy to understand why girls need guys. Why?

A guy is like a jacket. You only need them for two basic reasons: It's either you just feel so cold(literally or figuratively) OR you just need to wear it as an embellishment, something to make you more presentable to others. guilty? hahaha..

2010-05-05T06:05:00.000-07:00

Sexist Drivers

As a new driver, I always create a scene in the driveways. And there's one thing I've noticed out of those instances. Everytime I mess up with my driving, the drivers in the way who are affected get annoyed or sometimes furious. But when they see me, it's either they smile or they have that face that says "ah okay, kaya pala". And I thought, maybe if I was a guy they would curse on me. It seems like it's okay to be bad at driving if you're a girl. That's all..

Anyway, I'm getting better at it. I just need to get really familiar with my car like connect with it. Toinks. My dad told me my body hasn't registered everything yet. It takes time. I know all the how-to-do-it's but I still can't apply it perfectly. It's manual and I love it.

2010-05-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

Top Play Counts for April

1. Airplanes Part II - B.O.B. ft. Hayley and Eminem

I love this. I just fucking do. Hayley and Eminem in one song is epic to me. 'Nuff said.

2. 1901 - Phoenix

I rekindled my love for this song when it was used in The Vampire Diaries. This track is just genius. Phoenix is genius. French bands are wicked. Anyway, this song is best played when you just wanna dance like a freak.

3. Yesterday (Remix) - Toni Braxton ft. Trey Songz

I'm a fan of Toni's music and I have to say the song was taken to whole new level with Trey on it. I am and still addicted to Trey's verse in it. In fact, I'm starting to have a guilty crush on him.

4. Osaka Loop Line - Discovery

This song has that feel-good mood. It's good to play in the roads. I really enjoy it. My sister don't understand it though. She thinks my songs are stupid.

5. Coin Laundry - Lisa Mitchell

I like the beat of this song. I think it's fun although it gets boring at some point but I guess it still hasn't grown out of my ears.. It still managed to be in the top play count and I think it's a good listen.

2010-05-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

Jollibee Chicken Barbecue

It was my first time to try this and I expected something like this:

And this, is REALITY:

wala lang. haha.. never expect something as exactly the way it is being sold to you. Marketing is 50% LYING...which is why I am currently a marketing major. I find it interesting how people lie to sell their products. joke.

2010-05-01T04:10:00.000-07:00

Finally.

I've been asking for a car since my sophomore days in college. And my parents were like "urong-sulong" in their decisions. But as soon as we got a house here, my mom finally decided she wants me to have a car. The next problem was convincing my dad. He is a safety-freak so he initially thought of the most morbid things that would happen if i had a car. Then, ,my mom told me to go to driving school and get a license so that when they're here at summer my dad could at least reconsider. She also promised me that she would convince my dad. And there, success!

However, picking the right car was a struggle. At first, they thought they'd buy me the cheapest car so that I would be away from danger. They thought people would think I am rich and plot on something evil on me if i have a pimped up car. I can understand them though. But then, my my uncle just bought an Avanza for my cousin and my mom thought it was a good choice since it's cheaper and bigger. And the first thing I thought of was the Avanza taxi car. I didn't show them how I felt though because being demanding was something I'm trying to get off their mind. I'm not demanding, okay? Fortunately, my dad didn't like it too. So I'm like, yess! Then we also went to used car showrooms but then we were afraid that those cars were wrecked up from Ondoy. Also, my dad thought I'm a first-time driver so any mechanical problem would be a disadvantage especially from lemons. So we decided to get a brand new car. Anyway, to cut the story short, we went to brand new car showrooms. My first choice was Honda but it was too expensive. And there comes Mazda with the race-car look and all! My dad and I loved it! My mom was still insisting on Avanza but in the end, majority wins.

We got a Mazda2 1.5 color black blah blah.. (I'm not good with the specifications) We first ordered the red one which is Ferrari-red but my parents thought it was hot in the eyes and you know, the evil plot thingy entered in their mind again. So black was their second option. Besides, I love Black too. Black was my first choice not because black is emo but because black looks classic to me. And I don't want a girly car. lol. We also thought of getting a Mazda3 because it's hotter and more popular but Mazda2 is cheaper and it is newly launched. They told us we were one of the first 30 to have it in the Phils. I just fell in love with it.. Here are some pics:

side view

back

i love the interior!

yes, it is MANUAL. Manual is badass to me. Automatic is for pussies. JOKE!

Now you know why the place looks familiar. Btw, those are my sisters. LOL

Lastly, my brother is so fly!

2010-04-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

Stoked

I have lotsa stuffs going on especially for tomorrow. So I'll divide them into two: the bad side and the good side.

Bad Side:

I have a long quiz in PI100 (Rizal) later at 5PM and as usual, I haven't studied a thing considering the fact that it's already 5 in the morning. Also, we have a meeting in TechnoHub at 2PM for my internship and I'm afraid I have nothing to report. It's killing me, really. I haven't been productive in my internship so far. I like the fact that we don't go to office everyday in regular 8-hour schedules but I'm afraid the flexible schedule fires up my cramming tendencies. So yeah that's the bad side. How am I gonna approach it? Of course, I'll face it with my usual "come what may" mentality.

Good Side:

Later (a few hours from now), we'll be signing documents for the car already. Now you know why the title says "stoked". Hopefully, the car can be released this day. I'm not saying what car I'm getting yet. I'll probably have another post for that with a picture. (mayabang?) I've been waiting for this. So yeah.. it's the good side of what I'm looking forward to this day. I love my parents.

Basically that's it for this post. I just felt the urge to update since I'm wasting my time on tumblr and youtube again instead of finishing my work. Wasted attempt. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve a car with all my douchebag-ness.

2010-04-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

Election Talk

I wasn't planning to talk about this but since it's getting nearer and I can't help but hear my dad's conversation on it almost everyday(his first cousin is running for mayor kasi), I guess I might share my opinion about it.

First of all, I'll talk about the presidentiables. I am choosing only between Gibo and Gordon. I used to be for Villar, but then I saw all the exposed stuffs about him and I realized he's a little greedy on money. Although he's a schoolmate, I still can't vote wholeheartedly for him because I wasn't sure. So I turned on Noynoy. But then I also realized he hasn't done anything at all. He might have the conscience and true heart or whatever. The point is can he do something? We can say he's not on corruption at all but what if without corruption, the country will not develop. I mean, I am not totally against corruption. If you look at it, government officials have very low salaries. They really have to get something out of it. And that's okay to me as long as we see development and the country is not getting poorer and poorer.

Now why Gibo or Gordon? Gibo because he has the brain. And he looks mabait to me. Actually I'm still not sure but I kinda trust him. The Ampatuan massacre is a turnoff though. And why Gordon? Like Bayani, I can really see his work. He's from Red Cross and he's always present everywhere. He might seem like the underdog in the roster of candidates but actually he has really something to say. I can see his eagerness to change the nation.

Anyway, I don't know much about them. Honestly, I'm not gonna vote so I don't really know what I'm saying. Sometimes I think I don't really care. Boo me! Now, I'm going to talk about the provincial elections. And I can say I am very depressed about this.

As usual, it's all about MONEY. Last election, my uncle ran for Vice Mayor and the only reason he won is the last hour giving of money. It's like a business, really. Because after they win, they have to take the millions they spent in the election from the money of the people. Now, my dad's first cousin is running for mayor and I can see that he's really worried. There are three candidates and it's just a battle of wealth. I can hear a lot of stories. Initially, the mayor candidates are giving 3k for each voter. And then on the final days, they are planning to give 7k and one is even planning to give 10k. And I'm like, WTF?? Their problem is one candidate has this strategy of letting each voter whom they give money swear on the Qur'an so that their money will be a sure vote. Haha.. I can say that our competitions are very strong too in terms of money.

Well, that's for my dad's side which is in Saguiaran City. On my mom's side, which is Marawi City, I don't have very close relatives who are running. But I can hear that the competition for Mayor there is VERY HOT. There are only two candidates and they say there might be war. haha. So yeah I won't say much about that because I'm not in the position to. And I know some of my friends who are related closely to the candidates. :)

It's really sad how the elections are done in our provinces. It's like gambling. Why? They are giving all the money they can give. And their families are also involved. Based on my experience, family meetings are held and they talk about how much each can give. It's all or nothing. It's more of the pride of the family. And in our case, our family has been present in the politics of Saguiaran for years. And if you lose, you don't only hurt the pride of the family but you literally lose all your wealth. This is why election in our part of the country is VERY INTENSE.

2010-04-19T06:52:00.001-07:00

Random thought.

If I get anorexic, the first thing I would do is join LOOKBOOK. hahaha..

Feeler much? I know you have to be invited but i think i know someone who could invite me. :)

Well, that's if ever I get fit. Okay? Just a very random thought.

2010-04-14T20:53:00.000-07:00

Back to blogging!

My summer is not what I expected. We only meet twice a week for the internship which means we have to work at home. I won't expound on that. I'll save it for my weekly internship journal which I might also post here. So I'm just here to take back what I said in my latest post. I'll be blogging for the summer. I don't know what I get from this. It's not like I post very interesting stuffs. I also don't think this blog is worth reading. I only know about four or five of my friends who occasionally read this. haha..

Anyway, I just reset my iTunes play counts again. I usually do it monthly but this one lasted for almost two months I guess. So here are the top songs. This doesn't mean they're the best songs but they surely are addicting.

1. Baby - Ludacris (19 play counts)
2. Good Life - OneRepublic (18 play counts)
3. Little Freak(Dirty) - Usher ft. Nicki Minaj (13 play counts)
4. Crystalised - The XX (10 play counts)
5. Carry Out - Timbaland ft. Justin Timberlake (9 play counts)

2010-04-09T05:11:00.000-07:00

Probably my only post for this summer:

I'm gonna be busy this summer. So basically, I'm just gonna explain what's gonna happen for the next few months.

I have an internship and a class. That would mean an 8-7pm daily schedule for a month. My job is at 8-5 and then I have PI 100 (Rizal) at 5-7. Honestly, I don't know what went in my mind. I know this is gonna be hardcore but I was just, I don't know. I have this new masochistic mentality. My new motto in life is "work your ass off". I just want to try it and maybe for the next acad year I'll be a more hardworking person. ASA.

Another thing, my family is gonna be here so I don't think I'll have more time to blog. Actually, they're here already except for my dad who's arriving after 9 days. He has work. Anyway, this also means a lot of work. Everytime my parents are here, I work as their escort/tour guide/slave. Haha.. So yeah. When my dad arrives, he's also gonna buy a car which means I might be a driver too. My dad can drive but he's not that familiar with the roads here. And driving here is so much different compared to Saudi. Drivers here are wild. They don't have discipline especially jeepney drivers. And the lanes are too narrow compared to Jeddah.

So that's it. Gotta love this summer. I'm leaving for Jeddah with my family at May 24 and that should be my break as usual. I never had a real summer break in college. Every summer, I take classes. I'm already a pro in it. But this time, I didn't take a summer activity with it. During my first summer here, I took piano classes. The next one which is last year, I took a summer dance workshop. Now, I have a summer job. Good luck to me.

2010-04-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

Gettin' ready for SHOPPING.

I badly wanna go shopping right now but I'm saving it for Jeddah. I'll come home on the last week of May and I am so gonna shop there. It's the Paris of Arabia. And of course, it won't hurt me financially because it's on my parents' pockets and not mine. LOL

I'm just excited for it. Usually, there are lots of sales in the malls during summer. And that's how I trick my mom into buying me lots of stuffs. When it's on sale, she thinks it's cheaper and she buys more but actually it's still expensive because they're all established brands in the world.

I've been saving some pics for the past weeks so I made a collage out of it. I think they can sum up the things I like to have although some of them I already have.

(CLICK THE PICTURE FOR A HIGHER RESOLUTION.)

1st row:
These are mainly jackets because I'm a sucker for jackets and coats even though I don't get to wear them often. I badly, badly want the first picture from the left which is a denim polo shirt. Next is a denim motorcycle jacket, I just saw the pic from Gap and I thought it was badass. Then there's the casual blazer. I love blazers and it sucks that I don't have much of them. I want just exactly like the one in the picture with no buttons in it which means it's not meant to be closed. It looks so casual. The fourth one is a varsity jacket. It just looks dope and comfy for me. Lastly, leather jacket! I already have like 4 of them but I'm still looking for that exact one which is a hoodie. I badly want a hoodie leather jacket. Fuck yeah. Badassss.

2nd row:
Well, these are just usual clothes that I fall for. I love plain V-Neck tees and acid-washed shirts. And of course, PLAID shirts! I can't get enough of them. They're like gold to me and it's killing me everytime I see one with the perfect colors and patterns. Grunge love.

3rd row:
For pants, I have almost every type of pants. I'm not the person who is satisfied with regular jeans. I like my pants assorted. So the color I am mostly looking for right now is the first picture which is like an aquamarine blue. And then I also want a pair of white jeans because I don't have one although I don't really like it that much. The third one is an acid-washed gray jeans. I have one but it's darker and I want a lighter gray. There's also that red one. I just love anything acid-washed. Lastly, I'd like to have a pair of men's slacks. It looks comfy and exciting. I want one with a skinny cut in the bottom not a super straight cut.

4th row:
Shoes! Yes, I've been dying to buy a pair of Vans classic shoes but I want it to be bought for me. As you can see in the picture, I want either low or half-cabs Vans shoes and I'd like to play with colors. I also want a pair of boots, prob'ly Dr. Martens. I have always wanted one, I just don't have the guts to wear it. It can attract a lot of attention. You need to have an attitude to wear one. haha..

5th row:
First, I want a gladiator shoes. As a UP student, you have that feeling of.. I don't know. (sorry, trouble with completing sentences) Anyway, I just want one because it's easy to wear and I need it to replace my stupid slippers. Next, I need formal shoes like the one in the picture (I think it's a Louboutin) and I'm also planning to buy a pair of Sanuk women's flats. What else is there, a dog tag which is stupid but I still like it. And of course, wayfarers! I have a black and a clear one. I want a white one. You can easily get one in Greenhills. I got my clear wayfarer there and the black one from Jeddah and I can honestly say the quality is so much different. So I'll just buy in Jeddah again even though it doesn't have RayBan on it.

Last row:
Just random stuffs.. I want a bonnet with that design (like Hayley's from the "Decode" video). I've been buying a lot of bonnets lately and I just wear it in home which is weird because it works like a headband for me not a fashion accessory. So anyway, I might also consider buying a fedora hat. Then you have that MacBook and keyboards in there too. Yes, I WANT them. Wishlist huh?

So anyway, that's it. Just wasting time again. I have no life. haha..

2010-04-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

Abnormal

You know those instances where you listen to sad songs and then it makes you cry. I always experience that BUT in the opposite order. Sometimes I just feel like I want to cry without any reason. It just comes out of the blue when I'm silent and my head is flying. Then I feel exhausted like my heart is just heavy and I want to cry but I don't have anything to cry on. So I listen to a sad song that can help me take it all out whatever it is. yeah. It's kind of my practice on acting. LOL

2010-04-04T18:52:00.000-07:00

I gotta feeling...

I gotta feeling that something's not gonna end well. For the past days I've been having nightmares. Weird nightmares, actually. I dream of academic requirements that I need to finish.. I dream of worrying about them and as soon as I'm gonna start finishing whatever it is, I wake up in the middle of the night and realize that it's actually my vacation! Everything's done, okay? And then it happens again the next day or the other day. It's weird because it's waking me up in the middle of the night. You know that feeling of urgency or stress like you're doomed? Well, I get that feeling a lot but not in my dreams. I swear it's a mindfuck. I hate that feeling and it's haunting me in my sleep. Haha.. So maybe something is not gonna end well. I don't know. It may be my acads or something. I just feel so unsettled these days. I thought it's gonna be my rest but every day I feel like I need to do something and be productive. Okay, I'm weird... Or maybe I'm high again. I should stop this. Bye, again...

2010-04-04T18:38:00.000-07:00

Agenda

I have loads of stuffs to do this day. And you know what sucks? I'm still not sure if I'm getting an internship. I got an email saying they'll inform me about the briefing session and that they're aware of the Apr. 7 deadline of the goddam certificate. Does that mean I'm accepted already, no interviews or whatsoever? I dunno. I tried to email them back but mailer-demon replied. It's April 5 and I still don't have anything to hold on to. I'm stupid because I canceled my classes in the CRS. And why am I not enlisted in BA 199? That class shouldn't have limited slots. It's internship, duh?

Anyway, so much for the ranting. For my agenda this day- I'll pay bills, go to San Jose's office for some stupid condo thing my parents want me to take care of, and then go to travel agencies to book us a flight(my parents told me to look for one with stopovers in HK, wee!). I want to go to UP to check everything that's messing up my head but I think Monday's are holidays, right? I dunno. One time I went there on a Monday and nobody's in the office. So why waste my time? Well, I'm actually wasting my time right now. It's almost 10 and I haven't taken a bath. Hafta go..

2010-04-04T00:51:00.000-07:00

"Pretty Woman"

Last night was funny. I went out alone to buy a bed frame and an aircon for my parents' room which is in the attic. They are coming next week so I had to prepare the room and it was empty. So to cut the story short, I went to appliances and furniture stores and I wasn't treated well.

I was wearing my usual "bored" getup- just a random shirt, jeans, slippers, and a bag. So I don't exactly look like I am buying something. First, I went to SM Appliances and there were lots of customers I don't know why. And I caught one of the salesmen looking at me as if deciding to approach me and after a second he ignored me and approached another customer, a Chinese couple. And I was like, okay?

I also went to SM Interior Zone. As soon as I entered one of the stores and told them what I'm looking for, they instantly pointed me to the cheapest product they have. I actually find it really funny because it happened twice. Seriously, in another store I was looking at a beautiful bed frame and then a saleslady told me "Ma'am, ayon po ung pinakamura namin 12k nlng po yan after discount." And that product is like so patapon sa isang gilid. Sobra. Nakakatawa yong girl na yon. I just told myself she doesn't even know how I can afford even herself. LOL. joke!

Now I realized that people are usually treated based on the way they look. I don't dress glamorous and I am not SOSYAL at all but I am still a customer, right? Btw, I also don't know why I don't behave or look like a bourgeoisie. haha.. I guess I am really JOLOGS and I admit it. But I am a jologs with a class. haha.. And I won't change that. It's a part of my personality. No matter how rich I get, I can never behave like one. I guess I got that from my father. He's such a cowboy and my mom is a socialite. They're a perfect match. haha..

P.S. About the title:
I just remembered the scene in the movie "Pretty Woman" where she wasn't entertained in a classy store just because she doesn't look like a classy woman. I liked that scene. Especially when she came back to them with a lot of shopping bags and said, "You work in commissions right? Big mistake, BIG mistake..." LOVETTE!

2010-04-02T05:52:00.000-07:00

Because I am such a masochist and I only enjoy love stories to the fullest when one dies, I watched this movie deeply with all the attention and internalization. hahaha..

I have never cried for a movie like this. I cry a lot for movies though, it's kind of my thing. But with this one, it's different. In most movies, I only cry like in the last part or in one or two scenes. But here, it's like I cried continuously. Really.. Given the fact that I kinda know the whole gist of the story already, I still cried and cried from the middle part to the end. What's wrong with me? Besides, I've even watched parts of this movie when in it's shown in TV. Haha.. Really, I'm such a loser. I super cried my heart out for this movie. What a fucking movie. Now I have a headache.

2010-04-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

"Decided."

My previous post is all about careers and I just want to share that.. I'm actually proud to say this.. Hmm. I think I am definitely-totally-certainly decided on what I will pursue in life. You know.. because I always say I have no idea what to do with my life. But now, I think I have arrived to an epiphany. Besides, this is what I've always thought I wanted to become - a LAWYER.

I think you are familiar that in the Philippine culture, there's only two desirable careers to pursue - a lawyer or a doctor. And I know I can never be a doctor. As much as my mom and other people insisted me to, I know it's too much for me. Well, first of all, I'm just not a "science" person AT ALL. And when I think of it, I'm not strong enough emotionally as a person to carry LIVES on my hand. I think that's the hardest part, someone dying on your hands. I mean, you could say you can't do anything about it but you can still blame yourself. I mean.. whatever. If you've watched "City of Angels", you know what I'm talking about.

So enough of the doctor thing. Since high school, I have drawn a picture of lawyer in those stuffs where you write your stupid ambitions in school. And as I grew older, that ambition got leveled up to a CPA lawyer, which obviously is impossible now. But initially, it was really Law all the way.

I think I would make a good lawyer. It's like in our blood. Well, that's actually one of the reasons why I wanted to be one. I have an uncle who's like a very good lawyer and I was just amazed by him when I was a kid. He is super smart. Anyway, I am also good with manipulating truth. Haha.. It's not exactly lying. Just some little tweaks with truth to make myself reasonable. My parents always say I can never run out of reasons. It's the main reason I always get in a fight with my dad. It's because I never admit I'm wrong and I keep on insisting my side. And my dad also does the same. So we always try to compromise but never come up on a conclusion on who's right or wrong. And then my mom says I am my father's daughter. It's hard to shut me up when I firmly believe on my side. Well anyway, I'm talking nonsense again. The thing is... I don't know what the thing is. I guess I'm just trying to say being a lawyer would work out for me.

When I think of it, it's actually a good choice. Isn't it? I know you'll stay 4 more years in law school but who wants to go out of school, anyway? wow. did i just say that? I guess part of me says a a bachelor degree is not enough. I think it's not enough to equip me for whatever it is that I want. Yeah, I honestly do think of that. And also, being a lawyer has lots of benefits with it. I'm talking money. Well, I always say money doesn't matter but that's my hypocrisy talking. Money DOES matter. I don't know, it's just that lawyers have this elegance and intelligence thing going on. Yeah. Bragging rights. Exactly. I always get blinded by bragging rights. Who doesn't? And besides, the job involves a lot of logical thinking in it. And I guess that's enough to keep me going with life. I see that part of the job as very exciting. It's like solving puzzles or figuring out how movie would end. I'm always inspired by those court scenes in movies. And I've been to a court room too. It's kinda tense in there. Anyway, I talk too much. I actually have not much to say. So to wrap it up, the whole point of this is that I'm decided to pursue LAW as my future.. particularly business a.k.a. commercial law. I don't like criminal law, it's dangerous. And I don't think I can handle it. Civil and commercial law is better.

2010-03-31T02:56:00.000-07:00

According to Sir Santamaria (my 151 professor), PASSION + TALENT + MONEY = SUCCESS

Top 10 Dream(COOL) Jobs

1. Professional Dancer/Choreographer
I've already wrote an entry about this and it's lengthy. So to summarize, I love dancing although I'm still not that good at it. And I adore the big names in choreography. They travel the world to teach classes and they really get paid for it. They can explore their creativity. And they also work with stars and tour with them. I've listed more reasons in my old post. I think it's titled "Dream Job".

2. Music Supervisor
I think if there's one topic I am most knowledgeable on, I can say it's music. I listen to a wide variety of genres from different periods of time. My brain is 70% lyrics and I constantly try to discover something new to my ears from time to time. I really like it when songs are used brilliantly in TV shows and movies. For me, it's like the most important ingredient to make a scene work. When I make videos, choosing the music is the most fun part for me. Even in everyday life, you always try to find music that will suit what you're doing. Also, I really admire the music supervisors of CW shows. Alexandra Patsavas is one of my favorite music supervisor and Alex Hancock of Skins is also good. It's not just the coolness of this job that matters, I just think I'd really enjoy it. I can spend hours looking for music that would fit something and I'll never get bored.

3. Music Producer
The moment I saw Ryan Leslie's videos on producing music in his studio, I was totally inspired by it. It's like playing with sounds and when you're able to put it all together, it's like reaching a climax. haha.. But seriously, I think it's one of the best jobs I could imagine. I really enjoy mixing sounds and I can play instruments. I think I could live in a studio like that and just make music everyday although you can't just sit your ass in a studio and come up with one, you'll need inspiration. But anyway, it's just amazing. I always tell myself that when I already have a stable life and career, I'll definitely have a music room. Besides, I'd rather be the one who makes music instead of the one performing it. It's like I'm the brains behind it which is why I adore composers more than singers. And I can't sing well, so I'd rather compose. I used to compose songs back in high school but then my sister got my files, used it as a ringtone and as her waking alarm that it almost killed me. So I stopped making stupid love-themed songs.

4. Fashion Trend Spotter
You might think this is not a job at all but you're wrong. There are actually global-trend-forecasting companies which work with the biggest names in fashion. They give style trend reports to fashion lines by actually studying the trends in the different parts of the world. Huh? And they employ trend spotters who are really engaged in fashion and send them to fashion capitals of the world. That job is totally kickass to me. I love traveling, I love observing people, and like what I've said in a post before, what people wear is what actually interests me a lot. I mean, hello? Don't tell me this job is not awesome? You just have to travel around the world and take pictures of what people are wearing and write about them. You also get to go to fashion shows. Before, I used to think fashion shows are stupid like you just sit there and watch people wearing stupid clothes walk the runway. But now, I actually find it interesting how designers play with their imaginations using those clothes or any material. It's like orgasm of the eyes. Lol. Seriously.

5. Indie Film Actress
I love acting. Of all my trophies displayed in our sala, there's only one of them I'm really proud of. And it's the "Best Actress" trophy with stars on it. Haha.. It's from our Romeo and Juliet play. Anyway, being an actress can let you explore other lives. It's like you leave yourself for a while and try to be a totally different person which kinda works for me because I'm a little schizophrenic. And the thing about being an indie film actress is that you don't get the hype of being an actress which is the worst part of being an actress. When you're an indie film actress, you only act for the sake of acting. You act in art house films with artsy directors and stories. There's so much to explore about it. And I definitely think it's cool.

6. Movie Critic
As you may know, I'm a movie buff. If I had all the time, I'd watch all the most awesome movies in the world. Seeing movies(good ones) has the ability to affect lives. Anyway, I initially wrote film maker in this part but I changed my mind. I think being a film maker will require a lot. And it will be pretty tiring at some point. You also have the pressure to please everyone with the movie you make. So I thought, I'll be a movie critic instead.. and not an ordinary one. I want to be one of those commissioned by bigtime publishing companies such N.Y. Times. You'd think this job is kinda lame but if you're really a movie lover, this would be sensible to you. Imagine studying film and being given free passes on every movie premiere? I'd really love that. I love pondering on movies.

7. Professional Racer
I love cars and I love racing. I just love the feeling of velocity. This is why my parents don't trust me to drive a car. But honestly, if only I had supportive parents, I won't think twice on pursuing this kind of career. There's something about winning races that's just fulfilling. Even when you don't win, it's the adrenaline rush that counts. I'm a big "Need for Speed" games fan and I think it would be a thousand times more awesome in reality. I have also tried kart racing and I totally enjoy it.

8. Event Organizers
This could pertain to different events but in particular, I'd like to organize concerts and parties. I have wild imaginations for these kinds of things. Back in high school, I'm the one who always try to put up a party. Well, mostly when I was a senior. House parties, resort parties, and even halloween parties. It's just fun to create fun. Haha. And for concerts, well.. don't you think it's cool to be the organizer of concerts. You get free tickets, you meet the performers, and other benefits. You also get a feeling of fulfillment when it's successful. It's the feeling of fulfillment that matters most in any job.

9. Rock Star
Back in my freshie days in college, I always go to rock concerts. And I always stay in the back stage. I observe the life of the rock stars and they seem like they don't give a damn at all. They just chill and enjoy every gig with friends and groupies. So I told myself, wow I could live like this. But now, I'm not so sure about that. I thought it's kind of an unstable career. And there are lots of vices attached to it. Anyway, it's still a cool job so I included it on this list.

10. Stewardess
Haha.. Yeah, a stewardess! I used to be a tourism student. I love tourism and I know the course is usually attributed to being a flight attendant. And I should admit that the thought passed through my mind. Who doesn't want to be a stewardess? You get to visit lots of countries for free. You stay in luxurious hotels with all the class you know. You work hard in planes but it also pays big. The only problem is that you should have the height and whatever it takes. And I don't think I have that. I just loved the thought of traveling around the world.

Well, obviously these are just dream jobs. I am a dreamer. I suck with reality. The first five really makes sense to me though, I would really pursue them if I could. Really? hahaha. Shut up okay. The funny thing about this list is that I couldn't find BUSINESS in any of it. What am I doing in life? I guess I'll just see where my field of study could bring me. Honestly, my planned path right now leads to being a business lawyer. Filipino parents are naturally narrow-minded on careers. I don't care though. Come what may.

"Talent is what you possess. Passion is what possesses you."
- I forgot who's this from. Basta it's __ Pangilinan. Judd shared it to the class. I really liked it.

2010-03-28T15:45:00.000-07:00

Best way to end my sem!

After two days, I think I am now in the right mind to blog about my JT experience. I know I didn't blog about my Paramore experience(I didn't enjoy it that much but it's not Hayley) but this one, I really have to. It's one of the best nights of my life. JT! Oh my God JT. Marry me, please.

So anyway, we were in the venue at around 7PM and the show was supposed to start at 8PM. Around 8:30, the opening act from O.N.E. (Q-York, Kenjhons, etc.) started. Well, I know people didn't feel them but honestly, I like their beats and I love their dance. I don't care if they're trynnabe whatsoever. haha.. And btw, Kenjhons took off his top. wth? nice bod, but uhmm..no comment.

Then there was a very long break. I almost slept. I don't know if it's the Earth hour or something. There's this guy who DJ-ed for a while to keep us pumped up. It didn't work though, at least for me. I was bored. Good thing Timbo appeared at around 9:30!

Timbaland played 6 songs(I think at) the first half of the concert. I think most of his tracks work best in clubs. And unfortunately, we're not in a club. The last song he performed was "If We Ever Meet Again", and I was hyped up at that point. Who doesn't want to sing a long with that catchy chorus?

After that, JoJo appeared. She's a cute little thing. I mean, I'm not a fan but I'm not a hater either. I liked a lot of her songs. She first performed "Lose Control" with Timbaland. I like that song too but not a favorite. Then she performed solo - "Too Little Too Late". I was hooked to that song back in highschool so I sang along.

And now... who are we waiting for?? I think 99% of the audience was only there for him! Timbo started singing some accapella crap. First, he was like making fun of Coldplay songs like "The Scientist" and "Clocks"(as far as I can remember). Then he started singing Apologize. And he played with the "it's too late to apologize" part. He said "it's never too late" again and again. Then someone echoed him. DAYUM!!! the whole crowd went nuts! it's JT at the back of the stage or somewhere echoing him. There was around 2 minutes of teasing until he finally came to the stage. By that time, I thought I reached nirvana. Unlike other people who were shouting and screaming at first, I was just dumbfounded and speechless. The screaming came at the middle part.

So JT first performed "Carry Out" with Timbaland. They ended it with a beat box collaboration. After that, JT took over the stage. It was just him. He first performed "Summer Love" and I was like WTF! WTF!!! it's one of my favorite songs in the FutureLoveSexSounds album. I'm not sure about the order but I think he performed "Sexy Ladies" after that. He started it by saying "I see beautiful people. I see beautiful ladies. I see SEXY LADIES." or something like that. Well, I see sexy JT! hahaha..

He also performed "My Love" and "Cry Me a River" with a twist. He inserted "bitch" and "motherfucker" in his Cry Me a River accapella version. He kinda switched it up a bit. I loved it too. I was hoping he would also perform "Like I Love You" but he didn't. It's ok though. After that, he went to show us his softer side - the PIANO!

OMG. As soon as I heard the piano intro of "Until the End of Time", I was like WHOOOOAAAAH. I screamed a lot! I took down my cam to feel that moment. Honestly, it was the only song I didn't take in cam or video because it was such a beautiful song. I fell in love with that moment. Enough said. He also played "What Goes Around Comes Around" in the piano after that. Well, I love that song too. I was disappointed that only a few of the audience sang along.

So he stopped playing the piano and came back to the stage. This time he was not wearing his plaid polo shirt anymore and you can see his hotness more. LOL. I sound perv. Anyway, so he performed "Love Stoned" and there you go! I went wild again. Omg. I was like, omg he's really doing this. I can see him in flesh. I am fucking love stoned already. lolololol. Then he started beat boxing again, well he beatboxed a lot during the show. He's just the epitome of awesomeness you know. And as far as I can remember, the next song was "Promiscuous". It's just his beatbox and Timbaland's vocals. I wasn't expecting them to perform that song but I liked it nevertheless.

For the finale, it was predictable. I was really thinking it should be "SexyBack". I mean, JT left the stage already. And I'm thinking "weh?". So as soon as Timbo said something like "have you gotten enough of Justin? we haven't performed a duo yet.", I immediately told my friend, "it's SEXYBACK!!!" and voila! the crowd went WILD again! and I mean it! That was the best finale. There were fireworks at the back and everything was just FUN! I was ecstatic and I keep screaming the "YEAH!" part.

As soon as it ended, I didn't feel sad. I just tried to look at JT for the last time, and I stared really hard. hahaha.. I told myself I should record that exact face in my mind. I mean that exact moment I was staring at him. We were in the VIP section, and I could clearly see his heavenly face. And I'm telling you, I could've collapsed at that moment. LOL. Anyway, people didn't ask for more because it was enough. He gave us enough than what we were expecting. Seriously, I risked going to the concert in the VIP despite thinking that he'd perform only one or two songs. It was JT, just to see him in a second would mean a lot to me. I told myself I couldn't forgive myself if I let that moment pass by. Okay, I know what you're thinking. I'm such a fangirl. Who cares? He's my ultimate crush. He can do everything. He plays the guitar, piano, DANCE, sing, beatbox, act, etc. He's the closest thing to MJ, I'd really see him no matter what although I was kinda unsure at first.

Also, there was an after-party at the Encore Club and I just knew about it a day after the concert. I knew there was an afterparty because Timbo kept on promoting it on stage but I thought it was an exclusive one and I didn't know where. So I didn't bother. But then I found out it was just at the Fort and the entrance was just 600Php! It crushed my heart at first but after researching, I also found out JT didn't come. Haha.. Loved it.

I hope there's a next time. I know a lot of people who haven't come and they're as much as JT fans as I am. And if ever JT comes back, I hope it's his solo concert and I will go there and party with him. If only I could, I will see every single concert of him until I get bored of him which is impossible. haha.. I'll do everything to get a picture with him. I know it's impossible but I also used to think it's impossible to see Hayley and JT in person. Haha. Cheesy much? People think I've got much dough because I went to two concerts in one month but NO. It's just that I really love those two artists. If it were other artists, I won't even bother. I used to have this checklist of people whom I would really see if they come to the country. And Hayley and JT were there. When FOB went here, I thought I'd go but I didn't really like them to an obsession level so I didn't. So was Lifehouse, MCR, Avril, Switchfoot, Incubus, Chris Brown, etc. This year just really got the best artists. Hayley Williams and Justin Timberlake are one of my obsessions. The next band/artists on my list is "Muse", "Pink", and "Beat Freaks" if you know who they are.

Here's my favorite pic I took from the concert. You can check out more pics at my facebook. :))

2010-03-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on 90210 (Girl Fight episode)...

I kinda feel bad for this episode. I didn't want Naomi for Liam. I was rooting for Ivy. I didn't like Naomi since the first season. I also didn't like that tomboy girl at first but I actually liked her story with Liam. Or maybe I could relate to her. I just felt bad for her, really. I know she and Liam doesn't look good either. Liam's just too hot that his match has to be someone I really like. Well, I like Silver and Adrianna. Anyway, I'm just saying I could have been happier if Ivy brought that bitch down. And she's actually prettier than Naomi. Seriously, Annalyn McCord is just hot but not really pretty for me. :)

Oh, and should I say I actually like Jasper. I find his creepiness hot. I don't care if he tortures Anne to death, I don't care a bit for that girl. Seriously, she always gets bullied and all the bad things happen to her in the show, but I wonder why I don't feel any sympathy. haha... Also, the lesbian thing is so unoriginal. Redhead lesbian, "Skins" much? I hope they can make this season as good as the first because I really fell in love with Navid in the first one. His character resembled someone to me. Oops. I should stop here.

2010-03-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

Random Blah Blahs..

If I had complete control over my life, I'll be out of school, get stoned every day, get inked, dye my hair totally, do things most people won't even dare to, do things without even thinking of it, join a fight club, get a nude self-portrait, connect with nature, live near the beach, create bonfires every day, travel the world, meet a lot of random people, find a thought-provoking partner, discover myself, seek knowledge not taught, explore my mind until it doesn't recognize reality anymore, achieve nirvana, fuck up my life, and then be happy no matter what until my last fucking breath.

JOKE! hahahahaha..

I repeat. This is just a joke. Although some of them might be half-meant, I am not serious in writing it. I don't wanna die alone and end up in hell? just trying to play around with the idea. There's a lot more I could write but I have an exam tomorrow.

2010-03-17T03:50:00.001-07:00

Bromance

My mom just texted me that my little brother is graduating preschool tomorrow. And I won't be there. Now I usually don't show my love for someone but in the case of my brother, I think everyone knows how big my love for him is. He is very spoiled on me. He has three sisters and I am in the middle. But let me tell you this, I am the only one he calls "ATE". In fact, he never called me in my name. It's just "ATE". When he was growing up, he learned to pronounced "ate" before "mama" or "papa". And I am that ATE he refers to. I'm not bragging. I just spent a lot of time with him. I am proud to say how trained I am in handling babies because of him. My mom can leave him to me and I'll definitely take in charge from feeding him to changing his diapers. He is very much loved in the family. No matter how spoiled he is, we can never hate him. I mean "I" can never hate him. I promised myself that I am gonna be the one to spend for his college education and I'll give him everything he wants when I grow up. I even promised that to my dad. By that time, I think he is around his late 50s already and we don't like him working at that age.

When I went to college, leaving my brother was the hardest thing. I remember even mentioning that in my valedictory address and unintentionally crying in front of a lot of people. I even quoted a line from MCR's song: "The hardest part of this is leaving you.." Haha, it kinda sucks but I really tried to stop it. I really promised myself not to fucking cry in my speech because it was so cliche. Unfortunately, tears can't be stopped. I had to mention my family, and of course I had to mention my brother. Drama! But anyway, I learned to stop missing my family while staying here. It's just a matter of time. During the first years, it was hard. That's why I tried to have the most fun in my freshie days just to forget about it. Sometimes, I'll just call my mom out of the blue just to see my brother in webcam. And you know what sucked? During that time, I surf the net in internet shops. And just imagine stopping your tears in a room full of strangers. Haha.. Whatever.

So basically, I just want to talk about my brother in this post. He's the cutest kid you'll ever meet. He's funny and witty. I used to teach him a lot of tricks. He is also gifted. At the age of 3, he can recite and point out the alphabets and also count up to 2o. And did I mention good-looking. Yes, everyone who sees him gets mesmerized by his looks. I swear when he grows up, he's gonna break a lot of hearts. Haha.. And he is super spoiled. He gets everything he wants. His name is Anas. By the way, I am also the one who came up with the idea behind his name. Anas is actually the name of my dad's boss. And since we owe a lot to him, and he's a very kind Saudi and a very successful one, we thought my brother might follow his steps if we name my brother after him. See when my brother was born, he stopped breathing. But he was resuscitated in the operating room. It turned out to be some respiratory tract infection or something and he stayed at the NICU (infant's ICU) for nine days. Those days were such a struggle to our family. I can't forget how we were fighting those days. My dad's boss who is a bigtime businessman with hundreds of employees really spared time to visit the hospital and check the condition of my mom and my brother. And that's not it, he even paid for all the expenses. Well, actually he didn't because they literally own that hospital, his cousin does. I mean, that was such a kind act. That's why my parents agreed with me and named my brother Anas. It's a cute name, a unique one. And it also has a Muslim history with it just like my name. Here's my favorite picture of my bro because he rarely smiles at cameras:

And here's another one with me. haha.. I thought it was candid. ows. Maybe he was. Or maybe I just find it funny how I looked so different here. Errr. hahah..Those were the days. I used to be whiter, thinner, but NOT girlier before. haha.. it was just an occasion and my mom plucked my eyebrows. Too bad I can't pluck my eyebrows now, I'm scared I might just shave it all off. LOL

2010-03-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

TOO MUCH STRESS.

The next two weeks will eat me alive. So I guess I won't be able to post anything because my mind will be preoccupied with all the school bollocks. It's starting to stress me out. And if you know me, I'm the type who keeps on whining about work and not working at all. But this time, I promised myself to at least try. In fact, I made a sem-ender planner which I posted at my wall so I could feel organized. But actually, it's not working. Here I am now, I still haven't wrote a single word in my takehome exam due tomorrow. And it's 12:30 am already.

On March 23, after class I'll go have a body spa. Yeah you heard that right. Haha... I just feel like I'll deserve one. I am in a very busy situation right now. These are the days I really hate. And another thing, I decided to stop smoking. Coping up with stress through burning your lungs is stupid although it kinda works. So there, I think I'm having a progress on that one. I've never been really dependent on it anyway. It just comes back from time to time but I don't think it's something I am addicted to. I have enough self-control for things. Well, except for cramming. It's a disease. It's a fucking disease. If I was a research psychologist, I'll find or create a treatment for it. haha..

2010-03-10T17:25:00.000-08:00

Update.

There are lots of thoughts in the back of my head right now. As much as I want to blog about them, I really can't. I don't have the TIME. Even GG and 90210 are begging to be watched on my hard drive. I have too many requirements in school, I don't even know which one to accomplish first. Someday, all of this will be over. Then I can continue living my unproductive lie in my unrealistic world. I'm a self-acclaimed pessimist, hedonist, and slight nihilist. Self-deprecation is kind of my thing. lol

Because I'm a quote machine, I'll end this post again with this one. This song is amazing and this line is my favorite part. It just keeps running in my head because it's kind of what I really need right now. Everything is just chaotic and I feel like I'm gasping for something which is an essential part of myself and I'm losing it. And I just need that moment to inhale everything in. oh shatapp!

"I've got to breathe. You can't take that from me."
- The Wind Blows, American Rejects

2010-03-08T07:55:00.000-08:00

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Jesus

I always worry about the future. It's one of my weaknesses. I worry a lot. I worry but I don't do anything about it. Fucked up, isn't it?

2010-03-07T22:35:00.000-08:00

FML. again.

I just went to Gilmore this morning to get my laptop fixed. And as usual, computer technicians here know nothing but REFORMATTING because they have no fucking brains. All they know about repairing laptops is starting all over. Never have I encountered a technician who really tried to find out what's wrong with my laptop. They always say, "Aii. wala na to maam. reformat na lang to." As in, parang ang bobo talaga. Hindi man lang magattempt.

So anyway, pinaformat ko nga siya. And of course I told them to backup the files in My Documents. What I FORGOT is that my music files, everything in my iTunes is in a separate partition in my hard disk. I only realized it when I came home. And I'm DEVASTATED. This happened to me before when I was in 4th year highschool and tried to update the firmware of my iPod. I learned from that mistake that's why I decided to keep everything in my computer and just sync it to my iPod so that if my iPod crashed, I have a backup.

But now, it's the other way around. And I'm currently researching on how to transfer files from my iPod to my PC. There are lots of softwares but I'm really SCARED to trust. I can't lose those files. I already lost the video files because I don't keep them all in the iPod. But the MUSIC, mayn! HELL TO THE NAW! huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu... kinakabahan ako. pano ba to? FML.

2010-03-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

FML.

Paramore's concert will be tomorrow at 8:30 PM. I have a law class till 7. I can't be absent in that class because she gives a .25 incentive in the final grade for perfect attendance. Fuck. And the concert will be held at MOA. Fuck X2. I mean how can I be this unfortunate? And the next day, I have an exam in finance which I haven't studied yet. Fuck X3. FML.

2010-03-06T05:02:00.000-08:00

I posted this lyrics in this blog before. I think it was years ago when I was in high school. I always thought there has got to be MORE to life. Years passed by and here I am, I still haven't found what is missing which is why I reposted this. It sums up what I usually feel when I'm contemplating on my life. haha.. Anyway, it's a beautiful song and also has an amazing music video. I wonder what happened to Stacie Orrico now. She had raw talent...

"(There's Gotta Be) More To Life"

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

[Chorus]
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

[repeat chorus]

i'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed.....

[repeat chorus x2]

2010-03-05T12:52:00.000-08:00

More Random Alanis Song Lines

"I'm brave but I'm chickenshit."
- Hand In My Pocket

"I am the biggest hypocrite."
- One

"You took me out to wine, dine, sixty-nine me."
- Right Through You

"Please be a sexaholic."
- Princes Familiar

"Would she go down on you in the theatre?"
"Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?"
- You Oughta Know (the most bitter song ever. lol)

...These lines don't really mean anything. I just find it funny how she writes her songs. There are times when she writes very straight to the point but there are also times when it's hard to decipher what she really mean. I can relate to her most of the time. She makes really good points. For instance in the song Not the Doctor, she says "I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2" which makes sense. She's a genius, I wish I had the same mind. I'll end up this post with another line from the song "All I Really Want":

"And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker"

2010-03-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

Typical "Diligent" UP Student

I like to observe people. The first thing I always notice is how they dress up. And like I said before, I make stereotypes based on outfits and the whole physical assemble. Whatever.

This is one thing I always notice in UP. The diligent students usually dress alike. I'm not generalizing but most of them really has the same style, the same stuffs they carry, and usually the same personality. I made this stupid picture real quick so you could see what I mean:

Hehe. This is just an observation. I'm not trying to make fun of people. And besides, I really admire diligent students. I can see that their future is very bright. They are hardworking although not always that smart. I mean most of them are really intelligent but not all. Diligence makes up for that. I wish I was also diligent in school. I really do. I really fucking do. It's not that easy when laziness and cramming is embedded in you. Maybe I should also have the same get-up: the random girly tees, bel bottom jeans, and out-of-style rubber shoes... I can do that. Or maybe not.

2010-03-05T09:29:00.000-08:00

I FUCK UP.

I am really worried right now for my summer internship. I feel like I won't have one. See I passed resumes to a lot of companies. And I just realized I placed the wrong email ad which is my UP webmail. UP webmail is a piece of shit. Mine's not working, I even tried to send a mail to it. Nothing. Now what's gonna happen to me? I guess I will need to go to the computer center. And damn, I need to get a UP ID too. I lost mine. I didn't have an ID for the whole sem. I really fuck everything up.

Maybe I'm not really accepted. My resume is LAME. (Lame is kind of my favorite word right now.) I mean, seriously there's nothing in there. I haven't done much. I really need to catch up. I used to be an overachiever back in high school, what happened? I don't know. I guess I find it hard to excel when everybody's good you know. It's like in basketball, I only play hard when I'm the only one who could really play in the team. Otherwise, I'm just a benchwarmer. I have to take away that mentality from me. It's like I lose my luster when everybody else shines. I prefer to be outshone because I'm such a loafer.

So basically, this is just another self-pity post. I just feel bad for myself because I always fuck everything up. I never did anything at my best. It's always like "screw it, life is short." kind of thing. And I don't enjoy it anymore. Next sem I'm gonna do something. I wanna be relevant. I have always stayed in my comfort zone. I don't go to org events and parties. I don't try to make friends with people. I don't want attachments, obligations, expectations, etc. I just don't want WORK. I thought academic work is enough to stress me out. And now it's all coming back to me. (the song?) Anyway, I hope it's not too late.

2010-03-04T08:04:00.000-08:00

Isang malaking joketime.

I love JT like fuck. (Sorry for my use of words, they don't usually mean anything. I just like how they sound.) And this is one of my old recordings of one of my favorite songs from him. The funny thing about this is that I used two vocals. I backed vocals for myself and it sounded really lame... I also tried to sound like JT. Hahaha... so here you go.

2010-03-04T07:41:00.000-08:00

"I can be an asshole of the grandest kind."
- Everything, Alanis Morissette

...because her one-liners never fail to get me. hahaha

2010-03-04T06:16:00.000-08:00

Types of Guys I'm Attracted To

Before anything else, BWAHAHAHAHAHA.. This is a joke(half-meant?) so don't take it seriously.

1. Half-Bloods/Foreigners
- I like to explore cultures. I like to experiment. I like someone different. That's why foreign guys or half-bloods get my attention most of the time. People close to me know that. Most of the guys who interested me are not Filipinos or at least pure Filipinos. I thought I can be myself when I am with them. They don't know what to expect. At the same time, I don't know what to expect too. That just makes it more exciting. Anyway, I won't expound on that because I'm a private person. toinks

2. Athletes/Talented
- I like guys who are good at something. I like guys who are like me. Haha. Yon eh! This is why I fall for dancers, musicians, and even jocks. I know most of them are not smart, but they can relate to my interests. And I also like to be impressed. Talents are a big plus to me. When you share something in common, it's more fun. However, that is not usually the case for me. I always thought these kinds of guys are out of my league so there's that resistance in me. I have a low self-esteem, I always thought I'm not good enough...

3. GAYS (ftw! lol)
- I don't really know why I am attracted to gays. I'm serious. I really am. Why? The boy paradox can explain. Haha... Let's see. Gays usually have fashion sense. I initially judge people on how they dress and carry themselves. And I don't mean gays who are really gays to-the-bones. I'm referring to those guys who just aren't that strong you know.. They are soft. They usually hang out mostly with girls. They are smart. They don't have the stupidity most guys have. They have humor. They are easy to relate to. They are more sensitive and thoughtful. Ok. That's it. I won't expound on this too. Again, I'm a private person. hahahaha...

I'm posting a lot of not-to-be-posted things here lately. One day, I'll view my posts and delete some of them. I just wanna blog right now because I have something academic to do which is usually the case.

2010-03-03T18:26:00.000-08:00

Wishlist

1. iPod Classic 120GB
- I have a lot of downloaded movies and I thought they'd be best kept in an iPod instead of blank DVDs. It's more convenient in terms of browsing or watching them any time you want. I am also losing space in my 30GB iPod video because my music files are expanding to the gazillionth power. har har

2. new laptop (for f..whatever's sake!)
- Seriously, my laptop is a mess! Batteries don't work, the fan makes this super irritating noise, it's in XP, it looks LAME, etc. I just hate my laptop. If I was super bitchy, I'll break it on purpose so I could have a new one. But I am not one, my dad needs to understand that. I am not a brat. And I don't enjoy wasting his money. Hmp.

3. new shoes
- I'm crushing on a new shoe. It's Vans and it's not that funky like my Nike dunks. But I really like it, it looks grunge. And lastly, it costs 2K plus. If it's around 1k I can shell out my own money but 2k is a little too much for me. I can't cover it up on my parents. So yeah, I need them to buy it for me. toinks

I haven't bought anything that pricey for the past months. Why? I lost the courage to ask from my dad mainly because of my failure. I felt so DOWN. And I felt like I don't deserve anything from them because I failed them. Fuck accounting. Anyway, now I can't control myself anymore. I feel so poor already. I can't have things I want. OMG, that sounded so BITCHY! Erase Erase. But seriously, my 13-yr old sister just bought a Blackberry and she also has her own laptop which is better than mine. Not that I'm insecure or something. It's just that it hurts when you know you can afford something but then you can't afford to... whatever! gets?

2010-03-03T07:39:00.000-08:00

Why do women end up dating.. WOMEN?

I've been wanting to talk about this for a while but I think it's a sensitive topic. Besides, I know people read this blog and some of them might have a clue if I mention or at least describe someone. But really, it's nothing personal. It's more of my opinion regardless of the people I might mention.

I used to be homophobic. There, I said it already. I might sound hypocrite to some people who knew me for a long time. See when I was a kid, like around elementary, I felt like a guy. I behave like one. And I was even linked to a girl. I should admit that we really had a connection. I was confused that time. Most of my friends were guys, I was extremely boyish, and that girl was buying it. I mean, seriously... it was peer pressure mixed with my naivety. That part of my life was something I wished I could erase because as I grew older, I saw it as something really GROSS. I hated people mentioning it to me. I just wanted to forget it, it was like a nightmare to me. Good thing the girl left school for some reason I can't remember.

So basically, that's one of the reason why I was homophobic. I severely hated myself for having been one. Then, most of my friends turned out to be bisexuals. First, a very close person to me dated a tomboy. She even kept it from me because she knew I would react negatively. And just when I knew about it, I couldn't stop teasing the shit out of her. Good thing we were very close enough that she never took it seriously.

Then I went to college, and saw more of these kinds of couples especially in the dorm. It was something not accepted by everyone. There was always gossip going around like girls sharing the same bed, showering together, and stuffs like that. And of course, I was still bothered and grossed out by it. My impression was like "omg, are they that desperate to find a partner?" Then I met someone who was years older than me. She was deep and I learned a lot from her, from our smoking conversations at night. Hahaha.. And we have also discussed about the topic. It turns out she used to date a woman too. Of course, my initial reaction was "seriously?" But then, I tried to see it as just a product of her being wild or something. So I tried to ignore it.

And finally, another person, and this time, very very close to me...confessed about it. I was shocked at first but then she was serious about it. It was a serious relationship. I was the first person to know according to her. I tried to look supportive but I think she doubted it. Of course, she knows me more than anyone else. Then I thought about it for a while. Why should I question such things? Why am I an anti-same-sex-relationships kind of person? I didn't have answers. I guess I was just dictated by society again. And that, I hated the most. So yeah, fuck it. I said go for it. I realized I am such an asshole for being homophobic. It took one person to make me realize that homosexuals or bisexuals are humans too who also have the power and need to love. It's just not in the typical way or congruent to the society norms. So why hate or be disgusted on them?

Now, I know a lot of women who date women. They are everywhere, in student organizations, in basketball teams, in random people I meet. Sometimes, those people whom you least expected to be a bisexual/homo turns out to be one. I learned to get over it however I still can't help but be SHOCKED. Especially when the woman has good looks and then you see who she's dating..and voila! even prettier than her. It's like a total "WTF?" moment. But then you realize it's their life, not yours. Stop bothering. Really, now I got my view on bisexuality 180-degrees rotated. I don't care anymore. My only concern now is WHY? Why does it happen? Maybe guys are just BORING nowadays. Personally, I think I also have bisexual tendencies but not in a serious kind of thing you know. I don't get the point of settling or committing to your own sex when you know it's not gonna work in the end. I mean, HELLO? You'll have to have kids, family, etc. at one point of your life. And as a person, I always have a long-term vision on life which is why I never dated seriously. I will only put myself in a serious relationship when I'm certain that he is my future. And that just sounds impossible to figure out. What can I say, I'm an impossible person. Fuck possibilities and fuck uncertainties. Uncertainty is the biggest enemy in life. Never settle with someone you are uncertain with. They say you could trust love. I say don't trust fucking CLICHES. hahaha.. Wala na namang patutunguhan to so let's just end it here. Gahd, sana walang magtiyagang magbasa nito. :x

*This post has been saved as a draft for a couple of weeks. I was really hesitant on posting it. But what the hell right? It's my blog. Who cares?! hahaha..